Reminiscing about my mother-in-law’s observations and concerns about our alienating parent’s behavior brought up some very interesting theories, one of which — obviously — is about bitterness from an ex-wife. Which is not unusual:
“Simply put: The most religious, spiritual, conscious women have been known to act a plumb fool, or other than themselves, when a new woman is introduced to her children.”
The Court docket from our alienating parent’s divorce proceeding(s) will bear that out. From the time of their divorce in 1978 until my husband and I moved in together and started planning our wedding in 1983, there were no actions brought in their Court proceeding — other than the original divorce. From 1983 until the last child became emancipated in 1995, there were one, two or sometimes three separate actions each year!
“The bitter ex-wife shows signs of jealousy. She constantly has the need to always be in control. She feels it’s her job to run the other woman’s household. She will use children as pawns in her quest to conquer and divide. She sends subtle messages to the children, inciting rebellion against their other mother. This type of woman is always angry. She gives you a million reasons, none that she can explain and probably have nothing to do with the new wife, why she doesn’t like the new woman in her ex-husband’s life.
This has nothing to do with the new wife, it has everything to do with the former’s own insecurities, guilt, bitterness or shame for the dissolution of the marriage.
When women try to control someone else’s household, or run their life, it’s like trying to stop a wind-swept blaze but you are the one who’s starting the fire. It’s virtually impossible to do, leaving the controlling woman left trying to clean up emotional debris. You have broken the affinity between everyone in the blended family, and all is left is a pile of rubble where a foundation was being built.”
My mother-in-law was the first person who ever came to us with her feeling that our alienating parent was jealous, but unfortunately, she hasn’t been the last.
Another tidbit we found about ex-wives deals with Bitter Ex Wife Pattern:
“Is she domineering, hard-nosed, malicious and controlling?
Always dictate what happens with the children?
Make all communication as awkward as possible?
Complicate arrangements when a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ would suffice?
Think she can interfere in your life?
Still punish him for moving on with his life?
Waste Police and Court time with her lies and petty made up stories about her being the Victim?
Thousands of Second wives/partners can identify the very familiar controlling and domineering bad behavior of their husband’s ex-wife. We have discovered there is a predictable pattern and a very common theme to their behavior and have called it the Bitter Ex-wife Pattern.”
Whew, that one could have been written about our relationship with our alienating parent!
And, time and time again, these women will explain their behavior by: I’m doing it for my children. When, in actuality, their behavior is detrimental to their children, by making a close, loving relationship between the child / children and their father virtually impossible.