Parenting by Example

Kids watch their parents all the time, and we are role models whether we’re conscious of it or not. To behave boorishly, antisocially or abusively in front of children does more harm than most parents realize. Talk is cheap. We have to model appropriate behavior if we are to expect it of our children. [Source: http://www.empoweringparents.com ]

As usual, it all comes back to the children and the harm being done them by a parent who tries to alienate the children from the other parent. Growing up in an environment of drama, lies, non-visitation, repeated Court proceedings ….. How can it not affect the children?

Dealing with an Alienating Parent

I’m sure we’re not the only ones who experienced difficulty when trying to get information about the children from an alienating parent.  In our particular case, information was usually inaccurate (as seen in some of our earlier posts).

The version of events we heard from our alienating parent were either exacerbated for drama, or minimized for manipulation.

Lose / lose situation for the children in either event.

 

The Psycho Ex-Wife

“THE PSYCHO EX WIFE

Mister-M was scared but fed up. His eight-year marriage had ended and the divorce settlement outlined how he and his ex-wife would care for their two children. Still, she wouldn’t relent with her e-mails, text messages and phone calls, he says. She demanded that their children stay with her on holidays they were supposed to be with him. She insisted that they be dropped off at certain time, even though he was entitled to have them stay with him longer.

He has endured more than 30 court appearances in the past four years and has paid $80,000 to $100,000 in legal fees to contest her accusations of child abuse and violations of their divorce settlement. “As a person who suffered with these types of attacks on a regular basis over the course of more than 10 years, they tend to trigger anxiety and upset due to the horrible memories that we are unable to escape,” Mister-M says. “Each new e-mail and communication brings all of that history back into the present.”

So he turned to the Internet as an outlet for his frustration. He created the Web site, http://www.thepsychoexwife.com, where he writes about his issues with his ex-wife. Often, they’re protracted e-mails and text messages about everything from who is supposed to have the kids when to where the kids are supposed to be picked up. The exchanges over seemingly simple topics are rarely resolved easily.

Why does his ex-wife behave in such a way, even though they’ve been divorced for some time? “It’s all about control,” Mister-M says, adding that he believes his ex suffers from borderline personality disorder. “Their belief that they have been so horribly wronged by the ex-spouse tends to be so strong that this desire to stay involved or somehow control the ex exists, even if they have a new partner of their own. It doesn’t even matter if they’re the person who initiated the split.”

[Source: divorce360.com ]

Using any means possible to harass …..

I know it appears that we dwell on genealogy a lot, but — unfortunately — that is the path our alienating parent has chosen to continue keeping contact with us, as well as harassing us. She, of course, has declared what is, or is not, acceptable, what is, or is not, correct, and has even posted information to Set the Record Straight!

As discussed in our recent blog, she seems to have a problem with certain websites keeping information about living individuals private, thereby displaying information about those living individuals in a manner which she deems unacceptable.

Well, there are websites out there that allow you to show relationships of living individuals.

Here’s my information on one such website:

geni-living-csm-edited-1

 

which clearly shows my ex-husband as my “ex-husband.”

And here is my husband’s information:

geni-living-lmm

 

which clearly shows my sons as his stepsons.

And then we come to our alienating parent’s information:

geni-living-alienating-parent

 

where she has her ex-husband still listed as her husband! Wishful thinking perhaps? Remember her diatribe on my father-in-law’s genealogical information: “I have gone on every site where she has posted in this manner and have posted the correct information.”

As usual, she says one thing …. but then does another, doesn’t she? We joined this website in December 2012, and our alienating parent came along and posted her information in March 2013.  Did she come to this website — where we have correct information posted — and share correct information?  No, she came here and post incorrect information.

As she so eloquently put it, her posting of her ex-husband as her husband “is simply not true and not an acceptable way to portray a family on a genealogy website.”

Parental Alienation

“The alienator claims to love the children whilst at the same time their actions are significantly detracting from the childrens’ rights, best interests and long term emotional stability, the alienator usually does not care about those things, just to reach their perverted goal at almost any cost, they are accomplished liars and a disgrace to parenthood and there can be many reasons for their actions, mostly perverted and or extremely selfish.

The alienators in most cases know all to well what they are doing to the children and to the targeted parent but once they start they are driven to continue, even into becoming obsessive against the targeted parent … all at the childrens’ cost, alienators will never admit to fault and after some time can even believe themselves that they are not at fault, many even exhibit the signs of various disorders but refuse the suggestions, even professional, indicating such, some back off when they have achieved their goals and others continue for years but in their own minds they are the innocent ones but one thing does not change and that is they are emotionally abusing the children, they are abusing their own children.” [Source: parentalalienation.com.au ]

Adult Bullying

The e-mail we shared yesterday, from our alienating parent’s family, brought up a very interesting subject: adult bullying — which is more common than you would think.

“One would think that as people mature and progress through life, that they would stop behaviors of their youth. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Sadly, adults can be bullies, just as children and teenagers can be bullies. While adults are more likely to use verbal bullying as opposed to physical bullying, the fact of the matter is that adult bullying exists. The goal of an adult bully is to gain power over another person, and make himself or herself the dominant adult. They try to humiliate victims, and “show them who is boss.”

There are several different types of adult bullies, and it helps to know how they operate:

Narcissistic Adult Bully: This type of adult bully is self-centered and does not share empathy with others. Additionally, there is little anxiety about consequences. He or she seems to feel good about him or herself, but in reality has a brittle narcissism that requires putting others down.” [Source: bullyingstatistics.org ]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” [Source: Mayoclinic.org ]

We’ve always felt our alienating parent suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and the following e-mail from one of her family members shows that we’re not alone in that thinking:

e-mail

Inflated sense of her own importance? Little regard for other people’s feeling? Even her own family agrees.

Still watching ……

How many posts have we shared titled in this manner? That’s because our alienating parent has to keep tabs on what we’re doing and saying, no matter how many people advise her to not put herself in situations where she will come in contact with us. We have had no physical contact with her or her children for several years, but she makes sure to keep contact with us via the internet.

Our last post was titled “It’s time to let go ….” and we were hoping she might actually realize her obsession with her ex-husband has gone on much too long. But that was not the case, as you can see from the logs from our blog:

Wordpress stats 8-2014

She just can’t seem to stop visiting our websites, can she? And the most important question is: Why?

It’s time to let go ……

“Obsessors can’t let a connection end completely, because they may believe themselves to have been so wronged that they “need” to punish or seek revenge against the leaving partner. Even in cases where an Obsessor was wronged in some way, their desire for revenge and how long they cling to these emotions (to the detriment of their own life and others lives), is completely out of proportion to what injustices may have occurred.” [Source: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com ]

Today is my 30th wedding anniversary with our targeted parent. He and the alienating parent have been divorced over 36 years. I did not even meet him until years after his divorce, so I had nothing to do with that. His relationship with his children was rocky and/or non-existent throughout most of their childhood, and has now ended completely.

We touched on our alienating parent’s obsession with her ex early on in this blog and reading the paragraph from abusesanctuary certainly reinforces our contention that she is, in fact, obsessed with her ex and the ongoing contact with us. After 36 years, she still feels the need to punish and seek revenge, by using his parents’ genealogical information, by posting her thoughts on public venues via the internet, by watching every move we make ….. The list goes on and on.

Her behavior is completely out of proportion with any injustices that may have occurred.

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.”
~~ Steve Maraboli

Still watching ….

As we mentioned yesterday, our alienating parent keeps a close eye on what we post here. For instance, on July 23, we blogged about her comment on a genealogy website, to wit: “I do publish private information about the deceased that will affect the children and grandchildren of those listed on this tree.” And pointed out information she had posted under my deceased grandfather’s name, dealing with a lawsuit she filed against my husband and I. A lawsuit which my grandfather was in no way, shape or form involved in.

Well guess, what? At 9:57 that same morning, she changed her post to read: “I do NOT publish …..” and removed the information about the lawsuit from my grandfather’s name.

rootsweb-post-07-23-2014

 

I post here and viola!! …. she updates her genealogy page!

Unfortunately, her behavior didn’t extend to her former in-laws, who were also victims of her Hostile Aggressive Parenting behavior.

rootsweb-post-07-23-2014-2

 

When posting information on a genealogy website about her former in-laws, she makes sure to first, tell everyone about her ex-husband’s wife in the comment “One woman ……” and then goes on to share a link to her blog, and finally ends up with post-ems placed on her tree by the grandchildren of her former in-laws, which bolster her tale of family unrest.

She does eventually get to some genealogical information, but makes sure everyone visiting this website has to wade through her comments and observations first.

What do these comments and observations have to do with genealogy? Nothing! This is simply a continuation of the way she treated her children’s paternal grandparents when they were living — she used them for her own means. They both went to their graves knowing if they upset her, they would not be allowed to see their grandchildren. It was as plain and simple as that.

Yet here she is, the same person who would repeatedly keep her children from their paternal grandparents, using genealogy websites about those same grandparents as an avenue to get her message across. Even though that message has nothing to do with genealogy.

“I do NOT publish private information about the deceased ….” What is publishing her version of private family situations and relationships, then? Our alienating parent’s ongoing attempt — still using her children and their love for their deceased grandparents — to harass their father and stepmother. What is the purpose of these comments, 36 years after a divorce and several years after the father / children relationship ended? Remember our earlier post about parents exhibiting Hostile Aggressive Parenting: individuals with controlling and bullying personalities, an individual controlled by their negative emotions and continuing to exercise power and control over their ex-spouse’s life — to the point where they’re use genealogy websites to get their story out and attempt to re-write history?

The Effects of Hostile Aggressive Parenting on the Children

How Does Hostile Aggressive Parenting Affect The Children?

~~ Has a long lasting effect on children, emotionally, psychologically and socially.
~~ Children may become aggressive as aggression is seen as normal.
~~ Children may develop anxiety and may show sign such as nail biting and pulling out hair.
~~ Children may become withdrawn, reserved and very quiet.
~~ Emotional avoidance, blocking out and refusing to acknowledge there is a problem.

Both parents should have mutual rights and responsibilities to care and rear for their children. After all, the child/children were mutually created by both parents. The only exception to this is if one parent is abusive or likely to abuse or harm the children.

[Source: http://www.understanding-child-abuse.com ]

Our alienating parents is keeping an eye on what we post here ….

A couple of weekends ago we were at an Irish festival and heard from friends and family that my husband’s estranged children were also there. We never ran in to them, didn’t see them ourselves, and so we continued to enjoy the festival. The next day we saw that the children’s mother had visited this blog, at the same time we were at the Irish festival.

July 20 log

Her children probably let her know that Dad and the wicked stepmother were at the festival, so she had to check and see if we had posted anything. You’ll notice she was visiting at shortly after 6:00 p.m. We were at the festival from early afternoon until 8:00 or so — and obviously not concerned with posting here. We were too busy enjoying the festival with friends and family.

Did she honestly think that we would stop what we were doing and post a blog here, just because her children were in the same vicinity as their father? She certainly had to check and see, just in case we had! 🙂