Devastated Fathers Speak Out About Parental Alienation

For any parent who is alienated from their child, every single day brings the painful realisation that they are missing a vital piece of their heart and soul. To me it is an unimaginable pain, and yet one I encounter on an almost daily basis as I support men who through no fault of their own, have had this inflicted upon them.

Birthdays, holidays, and festive occasions are all exceptionally difficult times for alienated parents and after Christmas Day there is perhaps none more damaging or hurtful for men than being alienated on Father’s Day.

Many Australian families will be celebrating the role of father’s in their children’s lives this week. Little children will be rushing into Dad’s room to give him the present they made at school, or purchased from the school fete. Older children will be giving Dad a hug, making him breakfast and letting him know he is loved. Sadly though, many fathers will inevitably be alone on Father’s Day and prevented from seeing their children from whom they are cut off and intentionally alienated.

Born from nothing short of spite, hatred and monetary gain, many women will refuse contact on this day if it doesn’t fall on the ‘right’ weekend. For men who are fully alienated and have no contact, often through false allegations, they will know like other years before that they must yet again face this painful day and somehow survive it.

I asked some men from my support group to share their words of what it means to them to be an alienated Dad on Father’s Day. Here are there heartfelt replies.

Hurt. On the most important day in a Father’s life after birth, being with your children on Father’s Day and denied by the mother. It is a knife to the heart, it reduces you to tears and desperation and questions your own worth.

Devastated, heartbroken, confused. I see my daughter for 30 hours in a whole year and they have canceled repeated scheduled visits through no fault of my own. I tried to arrange to see her on Father’s Day, but the mother won’t agree.

You loose hope and you feel suicidal anger and it changes you in a big way , so you move on in this difficult life and carry the pain for the rest off your life.

My ex girlfriend won’t let me see them.  I don’t have words for it and I try not to think about it…. Because it’s depressing

It’s absolutely heartbreaking I’d rather not remember the date of fathers day so I can just skip it

First marriage, my children were abducted by their mother for ten years. No Fathers’ Day, no birthdays, no Christmas, nothing. I have still not seen my daughter from that marriage since 1983…….What can I say about the lost time? It sucks. My eldest son, who will soon be 39, only stopped crying on seeing me (or talking on the phone) a couple of years ago. I don’t give a f**k about the impact on me. That is a child’s life destroyed.

For these men the lies and false accusations by the mother of their children have left them with a life of pain. They are faced with a no-win situation when our legal institutions predominantly support the woman’s word irrespective of any evidence, when it is really born out of nothing but evil.

During the court process the mother is the assumed carer and this buys her time and incentive to keep the legal process being drawn out. You see, the longer she alienates the father the more likely she is to get full parental responsibility. She hates him and she wants him to pay, so she wins at all cost through sanctioned perjury.

For the ‘lucky’ ones, even when he proves he has never harmed her or the children he is forced to pay for access through ‘supervised visitation’ centres which are often run by staff who treat innocent father’s like criminals.

All the while she lives off the child support he pays even though he can get very limited or often no access to his children. Our society labels these men as ‘deadbeat dads’ but these mothers are the deadbeats. Lazy, vexatious and vindictive women who want to cause harm at any cost.

We can not ignore the impact on children who are also the victims of this malicious and self-centred vendetta. Amanda Sillars from Eeny Meeny Miney Mo Foundation recently commented about the effects on children of Parental Alienation

“This is about power, manipulation and control by a selfish often mentally unwell parent who hates their ex more than they love their own child. The mourning for the child and parent is a ongoing till the day the child is old enough to break free to love that parent. Sometimes the damage is irreversible where the child cannot bond because they have lived a life of conflicted thoughts and suppression.

Children will grow up with a distortion of reality, they will be taught harshness & cruelty and they will learn to exaggerate negative qualities. If the child is strongly influenced by the ex the child loses their ability to think or to feel for themselves. If the child is not taught to have concern for others the child will grow up to have no empathy. A child that grows up with a polarised perception will assume that anything less than perfect should be rejected.

Australia [and the world] needs legal and mental professionals to educate in this sinister, subtle, complex form of child abuse & spousal abuse. Many parents and children suffer in silence because our legal system does nothing to stop it. Some parents cannot and will not co-parent. The courts allows false allegations with no penalties, allows breeching of orders with no consequences and does not have the children’s best interests at heart.

Each man has his own methods of survival. Some that have been alienated for extended periods have found ways to ‘cope’ with what has been inflicted upon them. For all though, it is a soul destroying process of prolonged torture.

For me this year I accept that I will not have any contact from my only biological child. I know it’s not her fault. This year I am choosing to celebrate having my own father in my life. At 81 he’s not always going to be around and I want him to know that he is loved and how important he was to me growing up and knowing that he is always there for me. I know and understand the unconditional love that he has for me and I want him to know how much I appreciate all that he has done for me. It makes me very sad that he won’t see or get a card from his only grandchild though. Parental alienation is child abuse.

Whatever we do in society, we have a responsibility to care for others. This Father’s Day, please reach out to an alienated father and let him know that you care. Let him know that he’s not alone and that like all of us, he is worthy of love and connection with his children.

I will finish with this final quote.

I have not seen my daughter since she was 4, and she will soon be 17. This is the work of a malicious ex-wife and a horribly biased Judge. I was never accused of anything – they just did what they wanted and trampled on my rights, and more importantly, my daughter’s rights. I cannot recover the lost years and experiences that my daughter and I were deprived of. I know now that I will never see my daughter again. If she had died, there would have been an ending to the loneliness and anger eventually. The fact that she is still alive yet unreachable through the machinations of others is like an open wound that never heals and never stops hurting.

[Source:  relatingtomen.com ]

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Co-Parenting With A Narcissist: When Your Ex Is The Enemy It Can Be A Nightmare

Co-parenting with a narcissist is no picnic for any reasonable, rational person. Often, it can feel like you are literally trying to raise children with your worst enemy.

How do you identify a narcissistic ex? There is no one checklist but here are a few things that could tip you off that you are co-parenting with a narcissist:

  1. You find it totally impossible to communicate with this person due to their unreasonable, irrational, unyielding and obtuse behavior.
  2. You constantly feel like you are being manipulated into compromising your values and opinions in order to get anywhere with the situation.
  3. You are co-parenting with a narcissist if you constantly feel that you are in a power struggle where you always emerge feeling powerless and dominated by this person.
  4. You find this person to be totally uncompassionate and lacking empathy.
  5. You feel like you and the kids are being emotionally abused by this person.
  6. The world revolves around this person and only his or her feelings or circumstances matter.
  7. It is this person’s way the highway.
  8. This person has a massive superiority complex and thinks everyone is beneath them.
  9. There just is no middle ground with this person.
  10. This person leaves you feeling depressed, disillusioned and hopeless with regard to the children and even to your own life.

No question that narcissists are maestros at family and relationship dysfunction. They really do leave you feeling bad about yourself and even sorry for your children that you could have made such a mistake to have chosen this person as a parent for them. It can be difficult to maintain your cool and composure with this person or to remain focused on what is important which is the wellbeing of your children first and foremost.

Here are 5 things NOT to do when you are co-parenting with a narcissist:

  1. Don’t try to be “co” parents in the strict sense. Narcissists have no respect for this concept anyway and their sole aim is to frustrate, obfuscate and destroy. So stop kidding yourself. You can try a more hands off approach or a type of parallel parenting structure that reduces direct contact with each other considerably.
  2. Don’t allow yourself to “pity” your own children. This will not help them one iota. Instead, think of creative ways to maximize your own parenting time with them so that they have a full and happy childhood despite the enemy ex.
  3. Don’t badmouth the ex no matter how tempting this might be. Let the children draw their own conclusions later on.
  4. Don’t make excuses for the ex. Again, let the children draw their own conclusions.
  5. Don’t let yourself become disillusioned or depressed. These emotions are choices you make. Choose to be optimistic about your own ability to create a loving and safe environment for the children.
  6. Get family therapy or individual therapy for yourself and the children if needed.
  7. Try to convince the court to shorten the visitation time with the ex if the visits are having a negative impact on the children’s wellbeing.
  8. Ask for supervised visits too, if the ex is really being emotionally abusive to the children.
  9. Keep your communication with the ex to emails only when necessary; avoid direct communication and contact
  10. Stay sane. Do not let this person drive you insane as you will be utterly unable to protect your children if you take leave of your senses and sanity on account of this person.

[Source: divorcesaloon.com]

What is Letting Go? — Parental Alienation

Sometimes it is easier to define letting go in the negative. That is, defining what it is not, rather than what it is. Sometimes it is also easier to define it in relation to giving up. Here I will try to define it on its own terms. Letting go means releasing yourself from the attachment […]

via What is Letting Go? — Parental Alienation

When to let go? — Parental Alienation

Letting go, leaves your children with the provocative question about how they could love you at the same time acknowledge and assume responsibility for the awful things they have done to you. They will have to engage this question for their own mental and emotional health at some point in their lives. This is your […]

via When to let go? — Parental Alienation

Why Let Go? — Parental Alienation

Always remember that your severely alienated children have to hold within themselves incompatible experiences of you the alienated parent. On one hand, they have memories of the loving relationship they once had, but on the other hand, they have an unreasonable cruel and irrational hatred and rejection of you. This may cause deep and unresolved […]

via Why Let Go? — Parental Alienation