Our latest posts have dealt with dealing with a narcissist because that has been an ongoing problem in our particular situation, in addition to years of parental alienation. Undoubtedly the parental alienation was exacerbated by the fact that the alienating parent was suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Here is a narrative written by that alienating parent, sharing her opinions on the fact that her ex-husband of was dying:
Our targeted parent was dying of brain cancer. He had been divorced from the alienating parent for almost 40 years. He had not seen or spoken to his youngest daughter in over 10 years. The daughter had shattered his heart into a million pieces when she decided to keep her daughter from him. This grandfather, who dearly loved his granddaughter, was destroyed when his own child said: You will never see your grandchild again! Throughout the 10 years that they did not speak, our targeted parent always said he could not forgive his daughter for the pain she had caused him.
He battled brain cancer for 3 years and when he entered hospice to live out his final days, he was unable to use the right side of his body, he suffered from Aphasia (the inability to speak) and was heavily medicated with morphine and other medications to control his agitation. The day he was admitted to the hospice facility, he was asked if he would like to see his youngest daughter and he emphatically shook his head “No.” Her name was placed on a list of people who were not to be given information about the targeted parent’s condition.
But here we have our alienating parent declaring that no one could honestly believe that he made that decision — even though it was witnessed by several people over the course of his final months — because a man with a resentful and vengeful heart cannot enter Heaven.
This is a common attitude of narcissists: they have to be right, the most competent; do everything their way; control everyone. How did our alienating parent know her ex-husband had a resentful and vengeful heart? Because she declared it was the case — and she’s always right!
This was the life our targeted parent led for 40 years. He would make a decision and the alienating parent would declare that he was wrong. First of all, was it any of her business? No. Secondly, if she did have an opinion, perhaps she might have considered keeping it to herself? No. A narcissist has to control everyone and make sure everyone knows her thoughts and opinions are the only possible correct ones.
Our narcissist continued:
She waited for someone to take the reins and direct this man’s heart toward the way she felt he should feel? What about how the terminally ill man felt? I was with this man for almost 35 years and as his life was ending, all I was concerned about was letting him know he had been loved, and keeping him comfortable. Perhaps that was why I was with him for all of those years, until death do us part, and our alienating parent and he were filing for divorce after only 2 years of marriage?
When things don’t go according to their plan, the narcissist places all the blame and responsibility on others: this dying man’s family should have directed his heart toward the way the narcissist felt?
And, interestingly enough, our alienating parent’s comments apply to her oldest daughter, who was with her father at the end, and who did nothing to sway his decision concerning his youngest daughter. That daughter is defending her actions by saying that is what her father wanted? There is no need for her defend her actions. She was an unbelievable help to her father in his final years and she respected and loved him enough to abide by his decision. I’m sure he’s looking down at her now with an incredible amount of love and pride.
Our alienating parent was relentless in directing her daughter to make peace with our targeted parent. Relentless in directing her child to go against her father’s wishes? Classic narcissistic behavior: the need to control, lack of empathy toward a dying man and his last wishes, and lack of boundaries.
The youngest daughter waited until her father was at his most vulnerable, unable to speak or to call for help, and then she visited him under the cloak of darkness? Isn’t it nice to see a parent being relentless in urging their child to break the law? The daughter was informed that her father did not want to see her, but went to visit him when she was sure that he was in no condition to ask her to leave, and when no other family members would be there and ask her to leave. Those actions constitute criminal trespass. And our alienating parent is posting it on the internet? It’s apparent from the tone of her posts that she is proud of what she accomplished: tormenting a dying man and opening her daughter up to criminal charges.
But again, that is a narcissist for you: with her exaggerated need for attention.
The targeted parent did see his beloved granddaughter twice before he died. It was a beautiful thing to witness. No one can give him back all the years he missed in her life, but at least he was able to sit and hold her hand and gaze into her beautiful face before he left us.
I can only hope that when he saw his youngest daughter, perhaps it was similar to when he saw his granddaughter, that he was happy to see her and spend some time with her. I can’t bear the thought that he was horrified or angry when he saw her walk through the door. That is too much for me to handle. I stayed with my husband every night until he fell asleep. The nurses told me that toward the end, before he became completely unresponsive, when he would wake up in the middle of the night and realize I wasn’t there, he would start calling for me. That was amazing because he really couldn’t speak., but he was so agitated that he was able to yell out my name. Was that because he wanted me there to protect him from these unwanted visits by his daughter? Should I have started spending the nights with him instead of going home and trying to get a couple of hours of sleep? The Bereavement Counselor I spoke to put it in to perspective for me when she said: You couldn’t have protected him from someone with absolutely no moral compass.
How did this dying man feel about the visits from his estranged daughter? We’ll never know, will we? He’s gone and cannot tell us how he felt about his daughter going against his wishes and arriving under cloak of darkness to visit him. And, unfortunately, whatever version the daughter gives is highly suspect. When her father was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2015, the daughter told everyone: I tried to call him, left a message, and he never returned my call. When the targeted parent heard that, his response was: “Bu#&%@it!” Because, you see, the daughter never called him. But the story she shared made it look like she at least tried ….. which certainly put her in a better light, didn’t it? Just like whatever story she might tell about her unauthorized visits during the middle of night, with a dying man who specifically said he did not want to see her …… well, I can imagine that story will also be told in a manner which will be most favorable to her.
More of our alienating parent’s post:
My in-laws have been gone for over 20 years. When my father-in-law passed away, my mother-in-law wrote the obituary and included my two children from a previous marriage as “grandchildren.” This was entirely unacceptable to our alienating parent! She has an opinion as to how an obituary should be written and, being the narcissist that she is, that is the only way an obituary should be written!
When my mother-in-law passed away, her obituary read exactly the same as her husband’s: it included my children as grandchildren. The alienating parent — in her constant need for control and attention — has spent years declaring these obituaries are incorrect. Needless to say, when our targeted parent heard about her rants, he wrote his own obituary — which did not include his youngest daughter and two of her children. Again, that was his decision. Oh, but I keep forgetting: he wasn’t permitted to make any decisions, was he?
Our alienating parent did not like the way her ex-husband’s obituary was written. She had absolutely no control over it so, of course, she had to voice her ever-present opinion. Our targeted parent’s obituary was published the way he wrote it. But our narcissist cannot accept that and, instead, creates a scenario: it was my one last time to hurt her daughter. I know that isn’t true, and anyone who knows the targeted parent knows that is not true.
And, yes, the day after the targeted parent’s obituary was published, our alienating parent had a “corrected” version posted on the internet. No surprise there, is it?
Our alienating parent always goes on about how her children and grandchildren are the only ones where the targeted parent’s “blood flows through their veins”. So his daughter was taught: you have carte blanche to treat him terribly during his lifetime, to break his heart, ignore his final wishes and then force your presence upon him when he is completely helpless, so long as his blood flows through your veins?
As we mentioned in our post: 8 Reasons We May Need to Cut Ties With Family Members to be Healthy: the facts are that “family members” are just people and not always healthy people. If these people weren’t family, we would never choose them to be part of our lives because of their poor treatment of us. Our targeted parent realized that and had made peace with his decision. This was his daughter, everything was all about her, there were years of silent treatment, no-win arguments and blame-games. She was not a nice person and he did not want to have anything to do with her. Why is it that only our alienating parent has a problem understanding that concept?
Everyone knew my husband was home alone all day, while I worked. When we had nice weather, he spent most of his time sitting on our front porch. His youngest daughter could have stopped by our house any time, if she honestly wanted to see her father, at a time she knew I would not be there. And he always hoped she would, so he could tell her exactly how he felt about her behavior. But she never did. She waited until he couldn’t speak, so she could sit and tell him how she felt, without giving him the opportunity to share how he was feeling. I’m sure she feels much better now, having gotten what she wanted: to see her father before he died. But how did those visits make him feel?
She had no qualms about knocking on his hospice room door, while he lay there sleeping / medicated / rendered totally helpless by disease, but she couldn’t knock on his door when he was strong / healthy / actually able talk to her? At a sentencing hearing, which resulted in the daughter being incarcerated, the prosecutor spoke of her: “Yes, she’s a great mother. She’s a liar and a thief also.” And I suppose now we can add the following adjective: coward.
The daughter’s behavior during the targeted parent’s dying days only reinforced for the family exactly what type of person we were dealing with. It was all about her and what would make her feel better. There was no regard given to what he wanted, as he lay dying. Her behavior simply fortified exactly why he made the decision to end his relationship with her ten years ago.
It appears Momma Narcissist raised a Daughter Narcissist?
Here’s a portion of one of our recent posts: The narcissist wants and demands to be in control, and their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they should be in control—of everything. Narcissists always have a story line in mind about what each “character” in their interaction should be saying and doing. When you don’t behave as expected, they become quite upset and unsettled. They don’t know what to expect next, because you’re off script. They demand that you say and do exactly what they have in mind so they can reach their desired conclusion. You are a character in their internal play, not a real person with your own thoughts and feelings.
This description of our particular alienating parent is so spot-on that it’s scary!