Alienated Grandparents Anonymous Incorporated

Alienation is a willful intimidation. It involves such issues as personality disorders including narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, delusional disorder, etc.;unresolved childhood issues, pathological lying, manipulation, brainwashing, mind control, neuro-linguistic programming, and cult-like thinking.  It is about power and control.  It is frequently multi-generational generational.

The unjustified abusive controlling behavior of our adult children is creating a lifetime of emotional problems for our grandchildren.  It is considered by the experts in Alienation to be a severe form of child abuse, and a severe form of elder abuse. Abuse is never acceptable; abuse is never OK.  

AGA’s  qualified professional consulting experts help grandparents/parents come to understand the varied dynamics involved in the complex realities of Grandparent Alienation-GA and Parental Alienation Syndrome-PAS. 

AGA offers strategies for repairing, rebuilding, and healing these relationships with the gatekeeper…our adult children; and, then the grandchilren will follow. AGA offers coping skills to help manage the devastating emotional pain of being disconnected from our grandchildren.

Understanding the complexities of alienation helps grandparents.  Knowledge is power.  When we hear this information  which we can personally identify, a light bulb goes off in our minds; and, a new piece of the puzzle comes together.  If you take away with you even one piece of information from each meeting and our website, process it, and then apply it to your adult children and grandchildren; eventually, you will begin to see a clearer picture of the bewildering phenomena of our own children not wanting us to have a place in their lives and in our grandchildren’s lives.

You will come to realize that if you did not cause this, then you cannot fix this campaign of denigration. Healthy minds want to fix things, unhealthy minds do not.  You will come to understand that you should not be embarrassed by this estrangement, and that you can stop blaming yourselves. You are not suffering alone. This website receives thousands of hits each month. AGA has a presence in  all 50 states of the USA, and 16 countries

AGA recognizes that each situation is unique; however, many commonalities are shared.  Simply knowing that you are not alone on this traumatic journey, helps you cope better with the heartbreak and frustration of being a targeted grandparent.

AGA support group meetings allow grandparents to share their stories and strategize with one another.  Suggestions for communication and reunification will be discussed based on the information provided by our international expert consultants. Grandparents who attend will remain anonymous so that everyone will feel free to openly share their plight. It is a place for those experiencing this excruciating emotional trauma to share circumstances with those who “get it”.

AGA meetings may include guest speakers. An interactive discussion would be included. After each meeting, grandparents may then consult individually with all AGA professionals in attendance.

Here’s a link providing more information about Alienated Grandparents Anonymous Incorporated:

Alienated Grandparents Anonymous Inc.

 

Healthy minds want to fix things; unhealthy minds do not.

Alienation is a Human Tragedy

               Our grandchildren do not deserve this. It is not their fault.

 “I can think of few examples in the field of family problems in which one category of persons is free to inflict misery on another effortlessly and without social sanction.”   Marilyn Daniels, PhD.

The dynamics of a family can be torn apart by selfish choices made by adult children. This can cause a separation in the family that separate grandchildren from grandparents. It is a  damage that can take years to repair, and sometimes never gets repaired.

Finally, there is AGA, is a safe place where discussions can happen about intergenerational family dynamics, support, and direction shared. AGA aims to help our aging population.

Grandparents are an intricate part of raising and loving unconditionally our young ones, and preparing them for society. They can perform as outstanding role models, especially if there is chaos in their home.  Unhealthy minds in a family create chaos. Healthy minds want to fix things, unhealthy minds do not.

Grandparents provide a balance in grandchildren’s lives that no one else can replicate. Studies have shown that multi-generational contact between children and their grandparents provides a special unconditional love and nurturing which is healthy for children.  The quality of attachment is very strong, and contributes to our grandchildren’s sense of self.

[Source:  Alienated Grandparents Anonymous (AGA), Inc.]

Do Something Now!

When we reached 10,000 views — which passed by so quickly we didn’t even get a chance to comment on the milestone — we wanted to write and let you all know how much we hope this blog in some small way, shape or form helps those out there dealing with parental alienation, grandparents who are victims of “grandparent” alienation or step-parents who find themselves in difficult situations.

We’ve been through it all …….

We’re still amazed by the lengths our alienating parent will go to in order to assure the parent / child relationship between her children and her former spouse remains at an end.  In our particular case, the alienating parent was successful.  She “won.”  Being the narcissist that she is, that should make her feel good.  She’s superior as a parent and a grandparent.

But we can’t help thinking about the children and grandchildren.

How much better off would they be today if they had had a relationship with their father and grandfather?  He’s a kind, loving man.  But, unfortunately, he made a bad decision, when he chose to have children with one particular person.  He regrets that decision, only because of the harm it has caused those children.  And now we have grandchildren, who are being raised in the same environment and being taught to hate at such a young age.

Our only hope is that our story will help others.  You’re not alone.  Parental alienation and difficulties with step-parenting are a much-too-common occurrence in today’s society.

Our targeted parent may no longer have a relationship with his children and grandchildren, but he can feel proud that he is trying to make a difference, trying to help others in the same situation, who might learn from his choices.

He has chosen to share the story of his Journey Through Parental Alienation with the hope that it might make a difference to someone else.  Whether it simply be the fact that you are not going through this alone, or whether someone can learn from the difficult lesson that he learned:  Don’t wait until your children are adults because, by that point, it may be too late.   Do Something Now!

Our targeted parent wants to take his Journey Through Parental Alienation and make it in to a book for his children and grandchildren to have after he is gone.

Maybe then, they’ll realize exactly what happened …… and what they missed out on?

Forcing Children to Take Sides Before, During and After a Divorce — and the Harm it Does

Since putting children in the middle and using them to hurt the other parent is the biggest challenge of divorce, the following pledge can make parents aware of the mistakes they must avoid in order to protect their children.

When parents consider a divorce, they almost automatically fear they will mess up their children. Fortunately family psychologists have discovered how parents can avoid damaging their children when they divorce. Experts compared groups of children who were doing terribly following the divorce of their parents, and compared them with groups of children who were reasonably well-adjusted after the divorce. They discovered that children who adjusted well to their parents’ divorce had 3 crucial experiences:

  1. They still had access and involvement with both parents. In other words, they had not lost a parent because of the divorce.
  2. Their relationships with relatives, especially grandparents on both sides, continued after the divorce.
  3. Their parents stopped fighting in front of them and stopped putting them in the middle.

The child who did poorly after divorce had parents who inspired the child to take sides and break off from one of the parents. They lost access to important relatives they loved. And these children had parents who continued to fight for years, and to put the child in the middle of their ongoing conflict.

Note, however, that in situations where one parent is emotionally or physically abusive to a child, different guidelines apply. In such cases, the non-abusive parent must protect their children from the abusive parent. Often children must be distanced from, and in some cases sever all ties with, the abusive parent. It may be necessary for authorities such as Child Protective Services to become involved, or a restraining order may require parental visits to be monitored after the divorce.

A pledge for parents who are divorcing

The following pledge can help parents (in a non-abusive relationship) prevent putting children in the middle of their divorce:

“I am a responsible parent. I love my child(ren). Though I’m getting a divorce, it is my responsibility to place my child’s needs first. I know children do best when they have 2 parents available to them. I promise that I will avoid the following mistakes so I will not damage my child:

  • I will not use my child to carry messages about money back and forth between parents. Money is an issue for adults to handle, not children.
  • I will not be late picking up or returning my child without notifying the other parent in advance.
  • I will not play around with the schedule that has been worked out for sharing our child. If I pick up my child late, I will not extend the time when I bring him back. If my child is returned late, I will not subtract this time from the next visit.
  • I will not involve my child in attractive activities just before the other parent is to pick her up so she will not want to leave me.
  • I will not block the other parent from school-related activities. A child’s education involves both parents.
  • I will not program outside activities for my child, which cut into the other parent’s time. Recreational activities are important, but time with parents should take priority.
  • I will not make an issue in front of my child about unpaid bills. Like money, bills are for adults to handle, either between themselves or with the help of their lawyers.
  • I will not inform my child if the other parent serves me with papers or takes action to require my appearance in court. Confronting children with issues they are helpless to deal with serves no constructive purpose.
  • I will not change my child’s name. If my child‘s name or his actions upset me because they remind me of the other parent, then I will seek professional counseling.
  • I will not use my child’s clothes, schoolbooks or play equipment as a way of giving the other parent a hard time. I will make every effort to communicate with the other parent concerning what my child will need to bring along on a visit.
  • I will not leave all the driving up to the other parent. I realize that by sharing the driving, I am giving my child my permission, through my actions, to be with the other parent.
  • I will not keep the other parent away from my child when she is ill. I will ask myself, “Is my child really too ill to go out with her other parent?” If the answer is yes, then I will see if her other parent can visit with her in the house or speak with her on the phone.
  • I will not expect the other parent to raise and handle my child exactly the way I prefer. I will recognize that as parents we have big differences and that each parent has the right to parent my child in his or her own style. Daddy has his rules and Mommy has her rules.
  • I will not intrude on the other parent’s family life. One phone call a day is acceptable and advisable to my child. Several phone calls a day to my child can be disruptive to the other parent’s family life.
  • I will not hold information back from the other parent on the welfare of my child. School grades, conduct reports, health, accidents, moods, etc. need to be passed on to the other parent so my child has a sense of continuity as she goes from one parent to the other.
  • I will not speak badly about the other parent to my child. This does not mean that I will deceive my child but that I will make every effort to help my child arrive at his own conclusions. I will use balanced statements when my child complains about the other parent. For example, “I’m not sure why your father did that.” “Why don’t you tell your mother how she made you feel?” “I don’t blame you for feeling upset.” “You need to work that out with your dad.” “I think your mom is going through a difficult time.”
  • I will not agree to a plan of sharing my child where one parent is reduced to the status of a visitor. I know that for a person to be an effective parent, a block of time is needed for the child and the parent to be together. Parents need blocks of time to nurture and fuss with their children, not an hour here or there for a quick movie or ice cream. An involved parent needs time to bathe the child, to feed the child, to help with homework, to take him to the doctors, read her stories and to do all the wonderful things that children love from their parents.
  • I will not miss the opportunity to see my child just because I think my seeing her will be a favor for the other parent, whom I still resent. I will take my child, even when it means helping out the other parent, because what is important is spending time with my child.
  • I will not keep my child from making phone calls to the other parent when he is with me. One phone call a day to Mom or Dad is acceptable.
  • I will not degrade activities or values to my child that the other parent holds dear. A statement such as the following is helpful: “I don’t agree with your dad (mom) but when you’re with your father (mother), you follow his (her) rules.”
  • I will not keep phone messages from reaching my child. I will let my child know when the other parent called and pass on any message.
  • I will avoid playing the game of one-upmanship. I will not try to out-do the other parent in order to put that parent in an unfavorable light with my child. I will make every effort to collaborate with the other parent about my child’s birthdays and holidays.
  • I will not communicate to my child that she is not to like or love the other parent’s new friend or new spouse. I will not instruct my child to refrain from calling her stepparent “Mom” or “Dad.” I will do this because I recognize that my child is making a good adjustment to the divorce when she can feel close and connected to her stepparent.
  • I will not give gifts to my child with strings attached. A gift is for my child to take to either parent’s home.
  • I will not quickly and eagerly accept the negative stuff my child tells me about the other parent. I will not behave like this because I know that children in a divorce situation tend to play one parent against the other. Children often know that parents do not like each other. Therefore, they try to endear themselves to each parent by carrying a certain amount of “gossip” back and forth between parents. Children normally have gripes about each parent. So I will be cautious in responding to what my child tells me about the other parent. I will not pump my child for private information about the other parent.
  • When parents take this pledge they become aware of the kinds of behaviors that can hurt and eventually damage children, and they do their best to avoid these common mistakes.By Kenneth N. Condrell, PhD [Source:  achievesolutions.net ]

Grandparents Affected by Parental Alienation

Having come across posts recently about grandparents affected by parental alienation, it prompted us to write about our own experiences.

My in-laws were victims of parental alienation, at the hands of their former daughter-in-law, the mother of their granddaughters.  They were, without notice, told they would no longer be allowed to babysit the children.  They went from seeing their grandchldren on an almost daily basis, to going months without any contact with them.  They received a letter from our alienating parent’s attorney, accusing my father-in-law of spying on the alienating parent and instructing him to curtail his visits to her home.  And when one of the children’s bicycle tires was slashed, who did the alienating parent blame:  her former father-in-law!

When those alienated children grew to become adults and began having children of their own, it wasn’t surprising to see their behavior emulating that of the alienating parent.  We were hoping the cycle would be broken, but unfortunately it was not.

My husband, like his parents, had almost daily contact with his oldest granddaughter, until she was almost seven years old.  It has now been over seven years since he has seen or talked to her.  That loss is with him every day.

Two generations of grandparents alienated from their own grandchildren.  Two generations of children raised in an environment where it is common for a parent to withhold access to a child because she is angry.  Two generations of grandparents who never did any harm to their grandchildren and always provided loving, nurturing, secure surroundings for those grandchildren.

Two generations in our particular case……

Will more follow?

Esther has received more than 250 letters from suffering grandparents

Parental Alienation

Esther has received more than 250 letters from suffering grandparents -mine was just one of them!

Being told I could never see my toddler grandson again, would make me feel as though my heart had been plucked out of my chest. Yet I have received more than 250 letters from grandparents who are suffering that agony now.

They tell me it’s like a living bereavement and they think about their grandchildren every day. The greatest agony they feel is the worry that those children may not know how deeply they are loved and missed.

These desperate letters were written to me after I made a film for BBC’s The One Show exposing the misery of grandparents denied access to their grandchildren. Tonight I will be revisiting the subject, for the same programme.

Caring and Sharing

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2622802/A-living-bereavement-When-ESTHER-RANTZEN-spoke-couples-denied-access-grandchildren-triggered-flood-heart-rending-stories-revealing-agony-family-breakdowns-forgotten-victims.html#ixzz3bqJb6sww
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Return To Sender

In February, 2008, we mailed my husband’s granddaughter a birthday card for her 7th birthday.  Her mother refused to allow the child to have the card (and gift that was included), marked it Return to Sender and mailed it back to her father.

Return to Sender

My stepdaughter was angry at her father and I and so, of course, her first reaction was:  you’re not allowed to see your grandchildren.  This had happened many times before in this child’s short, six-year-life.  And considering this is how my stepdaughter was raised, it was really no surprise to anyone.  She was taught:  if you’re angry or upset, retaliate by hurting the person who made you angry or upset in the best way you know how.  And what’s the best way to hurt a father or grandfather?  By keeping his children and grandchildren from him.

Since February, 2008, we’ve gotten birthday cards and Christmas cards for my husband’s granddaughter and kept them here at our house, along with the gifts we would normally give her.  Maybe one day we’ll be permitted to speak with her and can give her the years’ worth of cards and gifts.

There’s always hope, isn’t there?

The generation game: grandparenting and parental alienation

My in-laws were not permitted contact with their grandchildren when the grandchildren’s mother became angry or upset.  Whether she was angry or upset at my in-laws, or their son, her way of handling that anger was by keeping her children from their grandparents.  It’s not surprising that those grandchildren decided to behave in the exact same manner when they became parents.

We just read this blog about grandparenting and parental alienation and thought we would share it here.

The generation game: grandparenting and parental alienation.

“Parental” alienation extends to grandparents as well

We’re sharing a portion of a letter our targeted parent wrote to his ex back in 1984:

Image

As you can see, he tried to show just how wrong it was for a parent to have her children write to the other parent about holiday visitation.

But another, even more disturbing aspect to this communication is the situation he described between his 6 and 9 year old children, and his parents!

By the time my husband wrote that letter, however, his parents had already been told they could not longer babysit their grandchildren:

5-1984 notice redacted

When the alienating parent gets angry, the first thing the family hears: you’re not allowed to see the children.

My in-laws had watched the children for years, helping out whenever and wherever they could. When our alienating parent became angry, however, that all changed. Even though she then went on to complain about the cost of hiring a babysitter for Saturday mornings. She had loving grandparents ready, willing and able to watch the children until it was time for their father to pick them up — in accordance with the Court ordered visitation, of course — but our alienating parent, instead, chose to try and hurt her ex, through his parents, by limiting the grandparents’ time with the children.

Maybe this explains why our alienating parent is so adamant about posting a fictional account about her relationship with her former in-laws on genealogy websites …. to make up for how she actually treated them?