The effect of PAS on the child is never benign; it is malevolent and intense. The degree of severity will depend on the extent of the brainwashing, the amount of time the child spends enmeshed with the AP, the age of the child, the number of healthy support people in the child’s life, and the degree to which the child “believes” the delusion. (In many cases of PAS, the child will exhibit all of the signs of absolute rejection of the TP, but in private will disclose that the rejection is just an act.) The effects run across all areas of functioning.
The child’s internal psychological and emotional organization becomes centered around the rejection of the TP. The child develops identity and self-concept through a process of identification with both parents, a process that begins very early in the child’s life. The rejection of the hated parent becomes an internalized…
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Sadly, the story about how Bill Hudson became so estranged from his children, Kate and Oliver, gets worse. During his interview, Bill slammed his ex-wife, Goldie Hawn, for cheating, and claims she’s the reason why his own children hate him.
Bill Hudson, 65, has revealed that he believes his ex-wife, Goldie Hawn, 69, purposely pitted their children against him. In a scathing new interview, the father of five — including actors Oliver and Kate Hudson — claims that his ex-wife “wilfully alienated” their son and daughter from him. He also claims that she told him it “made for a better story.” Ouch.
Although he’s already disowned his two eldest children, Bill Hudson truly believes that it’s actually his ex-wife’s fault they hate him so much. In an exclusive interview with Daily Mail, the father of actors Oliver and Kate claims their mother quickly made him the villain once she began dating her longtime partner, Kurt Russell.
“When we split up, she never had a bad word to say about me,” he shared in his revealing interview. “But when Kurt came on the scene, the narrative changed and I became the big, bad wolf. I would say to her ‘Goldie, why are you trashing me and saying I’m an absent father when it’s simply not the case?’ and she’d laugh and go ‘Oh Bill, you know it makes for a better story.’”
In case you weren’t aware, this public feud started when Oliver posted a nasty Father’s Day picture of himself and Kate with Bill when they were little kids, using the caption “Happy Abandonment Day.” During his interview, Bill called Oliver’s dig at his biological father a “dagger to the heart” before disowning them, and even asking them not to continue using the last name Hudson. So sad.
The topic of narcissism begs the following question flashing in neon lights: Why would a narcissist want a child to begin with? Aren’t they so focused on themselves that they wouldn’t have the slightest interest in paying attention to others, much less attending to a needy young child who craves constant attention and praise?
Alas, the question presumes a type of normalcy and natural order of the parent-child relationship that betrays the root of narcissism. The truth is, narcissistic parents don’t have children because they want to nurture and guide their offspring through life; they have children so that they have an automatic, built-in relationship in which they have power, one in which the narcissist can write the rules without any checks and balances. Understand this: Control over someone else is the ultimate jackpot every narcissist works so hard to win. The reality of narcissistic parenting couldn’t be sadder: The…
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How many women play games with their child’s father, long after the split up and divorce, these women are still so fixated on “getting him” that some cannot move on and have a healthy relationship with anyone else. EVERYTHING is about the partner who is no longer with them. Hating them takes up their whole life and causes them to do everything they can to poison the child against that parent.
Years after the break up they are still telling anyone who listens that all the problems their child suffers with are caused by their father. If a child is not improving a couple of years after being removed from their “horrible father,” then perhaps the problem was not the father, but the mother.
When women go out of their way to cause problems or involve themselves in their ex’s life years after the split, for the single purpose of…
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Anyone who has heard the devastating words, “I never want to see you again!” from a parent, sibling, or child, knows the torment of family exile.
Reconciliations can bring joy, excitement and a sense of awe like that of a miracle. At the same time, reunions can be frightening, stressful, fragile, and wrought with many pitfalls. Rebuilding relationships requires a great deal of emotional work and a willingness for each family member involved.
Often, re-establishing relationships with family members can appear to be an impossible task. Yet, sometimes people are surprised when the road to healing leads to new beginnings.
After a fourteen-year family estrangement, one of my brothers contacted me. I was shocked! My heart pounded with excitement and fear. I thought that we would never speak again.
Am I ready to reconcile? Will I be hurt again if I take this leap?
In the quiet of my home…
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…that this is not a day for remembering emotional abuse, but for memorializing your decision to heal every wound that could cause it.
There is one question that no one will ask of those who use emotional abuse to make their point:
What hurts you so bad that you feel you have to hurt me in order to heal it?
This does not condone emotional abuse, but it can help us to understand it — and to understand how to stop it.
CwG says, “No one does anything inappropriate, given their model of the world.” Embracing the wisdom in those eleven words could change the course of human history.
Someone recently asked me on a forum “how did I feel after 23 years of alienation when I finally turned the corner” . (NOW 25 YEARS)
It was very subtle, no overnight “seeing the light”!!
I began to notice that I no longer felt sad when looking at photos and remembering birthdays, instead I felt quite happy and hoped everyone was Fit and well and enjoying life.
My focus seemed to switch from feeling sorry for myself and wondering and asking myself why did this happen to me to I can not change this situation and to try and come from a viewpoint of how would I feel if they lived on the other side of the world and I could not visit them.
I started thinking differently!!
Sometimes I would ask myself – would I let a friend or member of my family treat me this way? no…
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Since putting children in the middle and using them to hurt the other parent is the biggest challenge of divorce, the following pledge can make parents aware of the mistakes they must avoid in order to protect their children.
When parents consider a divorce, they almost automatically fear they will mess up their children. Fortunately family psychologists have discovered how parents can avoid damaging their children when they divorce. Experts compared groups of children who were doing terribly following the divorce of their parents, and compared them with groups of children who were reasonably well-adjusted after the divorce. They discovered that children who adjusted well to their parents’ divorce had 3 crucial experiences:
- They still had access and involvement with both parents. In other words, they had not lost a parent because of the divorce.
- Their relationships with relatives, especially grandparents on both sides, continued after the divorce.
- Their parents stopped fighting in front of them and stopped putting them in the middle.
The child who did poorly after divorce had parents who inspired the child to take sides and break off from one of the parents. They lost access to important relatives they loved. And these children had parents who continued to fight for years, and to put the child in the middle of their ongoing conflict.
Note, however, that in situations where one parent is emotionally or physically abusive to a child, different guidelines apply. In such cases, the non-abusive parent must protect their children from the abusive parent. Often children must be distanced from, and in some cases sever all ties with, the abusive parent. It may be necessary for authorities such as Child Protective Services to become involved, or a restraining order may require parental visits to be monitored after the divorce.
A pledge for parents who are divorcing
The following pledge can help parents (in a non-abusive relationship) prevent putting children in the middle of their divorce:
“I am a responsible parent. I love my child(ren). Though I’m getting a divorce, it is my responsibility to place my child’s needs first. I know children do best when they have 2 parents available to them. I promise that I will avoid the following mistakes so I will not damage my child:
- I will not use my child to carry messages about money back and forth between parents. Money is an issue for adults to handle, not children.
- I will not be late picking up or returning my child without notifying the other parent in advance.
- I will not play around with the schedule that has been worked out for sharing our child. If I pick up my child late, I will not extend the time when I bring him back. If my child is returned late, I will not subtract this time from the next visit.
- I will not involve my child in attractive activities just before the other parent is to pick her up so she will not want to leave me.
- I will not block the other parent from school-related activities. A child’s education involves both parents.
- I will not program outside activities for my child, which cut into the other parent’s time. Recreational activities are important, but time with parents should take priority.
- I will not make an issue in front of my child about unpaid bills. Like money, bills are for adults to handle, either between themselves or with the help of their lawyers.
- I will not inform my child if the other parent serves me with papers or takes action to require my appearance in court. Confronting children with issues they are helpless to deal with serves no constructive purpose.
- I will not change my child’s name. If my child‘s name or his actions upset me because they remind me of the other parent, then I will seek professional counseling.
- I will not use my child’s clothes, schoolbooks or play equipment as a way of giving the other parent a hard time. I will make every effort to communicate with the other parent concerning what my child will need to bring along on a visit.
- I will not leave all the driving up to the other parent. I realize that by sharing the driving, I am giving my child my permission, through my actions, to be with the other parent.
- I will not keep the other parent away from my child when she is ill. I will ask myself, “Is my child really too ill to go out with her other parent?” If the answer is yes, then I will see if her other parent can visit with her in the house or speak with her on the phone.
- I will not expect the other parent to raise and handle my child exactly the way I prefer. I will recognize that as parents we have big differences and that each parent has the right to parent my child in his or her own style. Daddy has his rules and Mommy has her rules.
- I will not intrude on the other parent’s family life. One phone call a day is acceptable and advisable to my child. Several phone calls a day to my child can be disruptive to the other parent’s family life.
- I will not hold information back from the other parent on the welfare of my child. School grades, conduct reports, health, accidents, moods, etc. need to be passed on to the other parent so my child has a sense of continuity as she goes from one parent to the other.
- I will not speak badly about the other parent to my child. This does not mean that I will deceive my child but that I will make every effort to help my child arrive at his own conclusions. I will use balanced statements when my child complains about the other parent. For example, “I’m not sure why your father did that.” “Why don’t you tell your mother how she made you feel?” “I don’t blame you for feeling upset.” “You need to work that out with your dad.” “I think your mom is going through a difficult time.”
- I will not agree to a plan of sharing my child where one parent is reduced to the status of a visitor. I know that for a person to be an effective parent, a block of time is needed for the child and the parent to be together. Parents need blocks of time to nurture and fuss with their children, not an hour here or there for a quick movie or ice cream. An involved parent needs time to bathe the child, to feed the child, to help with homework, to take him to the doctors, read her stories and to do all the wonderful things that children love from their parents.
- I will not miss the opportunity to see my child just because I think my seeing her will be a favor for the other parent, whom I still resent. I will take my child, even when it means helping out the other parent, because what is important is spending time with my child.
- I will not keep my child from making phone calls to the other parent when he is with me. One phone call a day to Mom or Dad is acceptable.
- I will not degrade activities or values to my child that the other parent holds dear. A statement such as the following is helpful: “I don’t agree with your dad (mom) but when you’re with your father (mother), you follow his (her) rules.”
- I will not keep phone messages from reaching my child. I will let my child know when the other parent called and pass on any message.
- I will avoid playing the game of one-upmanship. I will not try to out-do the other parent in order to put that parent in an unfavorable light with my child. I will make every effort to collaborate with the other parent about my child’s birthdays and holidays.
- I will not communicate to my child that she is not to like or love the other parent’s new friend or new spouse. I will not instruct my child to refrain from calling her stepparent “Mom” or “Dad.” I will do this because I recognize that my child is making a good adjustment to the divorce when she can feel close and connected to her stepparent.
- I will not give gifts to my child with strings attached. A gift is for my child to take to either parent’s home.
- I will not quickly and eagerly accept the negative stuff my child tells me about the other parent. I will not behave like this because I know that children in a divorce situation tend to play one parent against the other. Children often know that parents do not like each other. Therefore, they try to endear themselves to each parent by carrying a certain amount of “gossip” back and forth between parents. Children normally have gripes about each parent. So I will be cautious in responding to what my child tells me about the other parent. I will not pump my child for private information about the other parent.
- When parents take this pledge they become aware of the kinds of behaviors that can hurt and eventually damage children, and they do their best to avoid these common mistakes.By Kenneth N. Condrell, PhD [Source: achievesolutions.net ]
Children are often seen as the first casualties of divorce. Without being the cause of marital discord, they are, most of the time, put in a position they don’t want to be in: the prize in a custody battle, a veritable tug-of-war. Sadly, some parents will do anything to win their children’s affection. One callous tactic used by some is parental alienation.
Parental alienation is the act of showing children that one parent is better than the other. This is usually done by badmouthing the ex-spouse, portraying the target parent as unloving, unsafe, and unavailable, with the hope of having the children turn against the other party. In this scenario, the children are used as pawns in the fight between the divorced couple.
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Parental alienation is a serious issue, particularly around children of divorced couples. Hearing negative things about their other parent, children can feel that they are…
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