What are alienated children missing out on?

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Are they missing out on a father/mother figure in their lives?  Are they missing out on the love of a parent/grandparent?  Are they missing out on the benefits that come with having a close, loving relationship with a parent/grandparent?

This is a photo of my husband with our granddaughter on a recent family vacation to Ireland.  This man is incredible.  And, yes, I’ll admit — I’ve been married to him for 30 years, so I may be just a little bit biased.   🙂

This is a man who is honest, forthright and a man who would do anything for anyone.  He’s a good father, wonderful grandfather, and friend to many.

He has two daughters whom he hasn’t spoken to for many years.  And, as we explained in our earlier post, there are a multitude of reasons for that.

He also has four grandchildren, two of whom he has never even met.  Would those grandchildren be better off if he were a part of their lives?  Do they even know what they are missing out on?

Well, I do.

Unfortunately, my grown stepchildren have decided to not only end their relationship with their father, but to keep their children from their grandfather as well.  Just like their mother did before them …..

These “children” are a product of the environment in which they were raised, so it’s really no surprise to anyone that the alienation continues ….. from generation to generation …..

All we can hope is that someone, at some point, will stop and think:  are these grandchildren better off with — or without — this incredible man in this lives?

Mom loses custody for alienating dad

Just A Step Parent?

Mom loses custody for alienating dad

In a stunning and unusual family law decision, a Toronto judge has stripped a mother of custody of her three children after the woman spent more than a decade trying to alienate them from their father.

 By:Tracey TylerLEGAL AFFAIRS REPORTER

In a stunning and unusual family law decision, a Toronto judge has stripped a mother of custody of her three children after the woman spent more than a decade trying to alienate them from their father.

The mother’s “consistent and overwhelming” campaign to brainwash the children into thinking their father was a bad person was nothing short of emotional abuse, Justice Faye McWatt of the Superior Court of Justice wrote in her decision.

The three girls, ages 9 to 14, were brought to a downtown courthouse last Friday and turned over to their father, a vascular surgeon identified only as A.L.

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You might be an alienating parent if you …

You might be an alienating parent if you:

  • Allow the child to talk negatively or disrespectfully about the other parent.
  • Set up tempting alternatives that would interfere with the other parent’s time with the child.
  • Give the child decision-making power about spending time with the other parent when no choice exists.
  • Act hurt and betrayed if the child shows any positive feelings towards the other parent.
  • Use the child as a courier, messenger or spy.
  • Ask the child to lie to the other parent or betray the parent’s trust in the child.
  • Share the details of the divorce settlement with the child.
  • Go without dinner and then tell the child the other parent didn’t give you enough money for everyone to eat dinner.
  • Let the other parent worry needlessly about the child.
  • Infringe on the other parent’s time with excessive phone calls or scheduled activities.

Family

The alienated “children” in our particular case are adults.  They’ve made the decision to end their relationship with their father.  And, really, who can blame them.  Their parents divorced when the youngest child was less than a year old, so the only life they’ve ever know with their father was one filled with drama, disagreements and battles between their parents, lies and deceit on the part of the alienating parent, months — and sometimes years — where they did not see or even talk to their father or paternal grandparents.

Who can blame them for making the decision to have some peace in their lives, and if that comes at the price of giving up their relationship with their father — while it might be unfortunate, everyone can certainly understand.

Because, you see, if they had a relationship with their father today, all of the problems would still be going on.  There was no end in sight, so they made the only decision they could — to give up their father.   That was the only way to end all of the drama that was a daily part of their lives.

If you talk to my step-children, they would affirm their feelings that family is of the utmost importance.  They, themselves, have had disagreements with each other, as well as with their mother, the alienating parent.  They would go for periods of time and not speak to each other, or their mother.  But they always managed to talk things out, forgive each other for whatever had happened in the first place, and continue on as a family.

Why can’t they do that with their father?  Because they have never considered him to be “family.”  It’s as simple as that.

We haven’t spoken to my step-children in several years, but hope they are doing well and prospering.  We want the best for them.  And if that means sacrificing our relationship with them, then that’s the price we’re wiling to pay.  They’ve suffered enough over the years, dealing with the parental alienation that has programmed them to behave the way they do toward their father.  We would never think of adding to that suffering by attempting to maintain a relationship with them, knowing full well the consequences of our actions:  more drama, strife and turmoil.

Because you see, in our particular case, there is never any way that these children can have a relationship with their mother, as well as their father.  Unfortunately, their mother will never stop the alienation, so long as the children continue communicating with their father.

We’ve added a page to this blog, about our journey through parental alienation:

https://ltepas.wordpress.com/documents-2/

This is just a small sampling of what we have been through over the past 30 years.  Read it and then hopefully you can understand why we are not willing to add any further anxiety or turbulence to the “children” who have already suffered so much.

Ours is an extreme case of parental alienation.  And the only way the children can end the alienation?  By ending their relationship with the targeted parent.

Hopefully others can learn from our situation.  Don’t wait until it’s too late.  Do everything you can to stop the alienation.  My husband’s divorce took place in the 1970s.   I would like to think that, if this were happening to us today, and we took all of the documentation we have and put it before a judge, he/she would see the harm being done to these children and put a stop to it.  But, just because it’s too late for us, doesn’t mean it’s too late for others.

Parental Alienation Awareness Day – Bubbles of Love Day

Waiting 4 Ethan

Parental Alienation Awareness Day

Today is Parental Alienation Awareness Day, Bubbles of Love. Bubbles represent love, that it always rises above and is the answer. This is a devastating phenomenon that can happen to any loving parent. Although it is more commonly seen in the context of divorce, it can happen to intact families. Take today to have a conversation with another person about Parental Alienation, ready about it, join a Facebook group, reach and support a family who is struggling with it. Key pieces to know: A parent and child who once had a loving relationship is destroyed systematically by the other parent using a series of brainwashing tactics. There is no justified cause for the child’s rejection of the parent. It happens to both mothers and fathers. The most vulnerable age for a child to succumb to it is from about 10-13. There are different levels of severity of alienating behaviors –…

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Parental Awareness Day — April 25, 2015

Today is Parental Awareness Day.  Unfortunately, with the large number of divorces and children being raised by unmarried parents who are no longer in a relationship, Parental Alienation is quickly becoming an epidemic.

When you have one parent who puts their own feelings of hatred, anger and jealousy before what is best for their child, it results in Parental Alienation.  Children deserve a close, loving relationship with both parents.  It damages a child when they are put in a position of being forced to decide between their parents.  That is not fair to the children, and it is the children who are suffering.

Please take a moment to think about all the children out there who have lost, or in the process of losing, one of their parents, due to the behavior of the other parent.

It’s time for Parental Alienation to be recognized, and to be taken seriously.

On the power of parenting co-ordination to resolve intractable cases

Karen Woodall

This morning I have been reading Sir James Munby’s advice to parents in the the case of Re H-B (contact) and thinking about how, in such cases, small actions in the midst of highly charged emotional situations, can lead to devastating consequences for children and parents alike.  In this case, the action of the father’s new wife, in pushing and bruising one of his children, has lead to him not seeing his children at all and his children maintaining an entrenched and refusing position.  In the Appeal Decision, this small but significant act is set out, alongside the usual bewildering array of expert reports, views from CAFCASS, efforts of the Judge in the case and the contributions of the parents.  Sir James however, in making concluding remarks, puts all of the responsibility for the loss of the relationship between father and children upon the mother and father themselves. He also…

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The alienators “tools of trade”

Parental Alienation

Many alienators will not come out and degrade the targeted openly (many do), some use more subtle methods and when you think you have heard it all more come to light, although some use only a few others use many, here are some;

  1. Sympathy … alienators often use sympathy to gain the loyalty of the children, this can be as simple as “he/she left us with no money and does not care about us”, sympathy from friends and family is important also as the alienator sees this as loyalty, support and justification for their actions … “I cry and miss you terribly when you stay over at his/her place”, not hard to guess what the children are left with on this one, they do not want to see the alienator hurt, anyone for that matter but the targeted do not usually say things like this so the children do not…

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Victims of Gaslighting

We recently read an interesting article about “gaslighting,” which is a term used to identify certain behavior of a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.  We found it interesting because it was a situation we have come across many times when dealing with our alienating parent.

“Gaslighting involves the abuser to frequently and systematically withhold factual information from the victim, and replacing it with false information. Because of it’s subtly, this cunning Machiavellian behaviour is a deeply insidious set of manipulations that is difficult for anybody to work out, and with time it finally undermines the mental stability of the victim. That is why it is such a dangerous form of abuse. The emotional damage of Gaslighting is huge on the narcissistic victim. When they are exposed to it for long enough, they begin to lose their sense of their own self. Unable to trust their own judgments, they start to question the reality of everything in their life. They begin to find themselves second-guessing themselves, and this makes them become very insecure around their decision making, even around the smallest of choices. The victim becomes depressed and withdrawn, they become totally dependent on the abuser for their sense of reality. In effect the gaslighting turns the victim’s reality on its head.”  [Source:  narcissisticbehavior.net ]

We know the truth behind our dealings with our alienating parent, who is oftentimes referred to as a pathological liar by many people who have also had dealings with her.  One of our frequent questions has been:  is this woman even capable of telling the truth?

Unfortunately, there were two young children being raised by this individual.

She had conversations with her children, who were under ten years of age at the time, about her relationship with their father and step-mother.  Not only was it harmful to the children — for their mother to be initiating adult conversations with them while they were so young — but many of the stories she told them were not even true.

She not only made up stories about her children’s father and step-mother, she withheld the actual truth from them.

Here we have children who were abused by their mother, in her effort to alienate them from their father, as well as by her “gaslighting” them.

The children are now adults and have had no contact with their father or step-mother for many years, but that doesn’t keep the alienating parent from continuing to lie and withhold the truth from them.

I have lost contact with or have been Alienated from One of My Parents

Parental Alienation

I am an Alienated Child
I am an Adult Child of Parental Alienation
I have lost contact with or have been Alienated from One of My Parents

And now, if you are reading this, you are probably wondering why? How? What can you do about it?  Maybe you have realised that one of your parents has lied to you, used you  against the other parent, used you to support them in their needs when they should have supported you as you developed.  Maybe you are realising that not everything you have been told or even what you thought of the parent whom you have lost may be true.  In fact, you may not even  be sure  how you even arrived at the views you have of the parent whom you have lost from your life!

Maybe you have had a precipitating event, something as happened in your own life, a…

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Helping Adult Children with Parental Alienation Syndrome

Parental Alienation

When parents use children as pawns in their divorce, the psychological consequences can be devastating. Parental alienation (PA)is the act of deliberately alienating a child from a targeted parent (TP) by an alienating parent (AP) and can cause a psychological condition referred to as parental alienation syndrome (PAS). Although this term is relatively new, the damage this type of behavior inflicts is not. When one parent denies a child access to the TP, the child struggles with feelings of hatred and fear towards the TP. These children often live in an environment riddled with malicious and derogatory remarks about the TP, and as they age, maintain guilt over harboring these feelings toward their parent.

Research on children of divorce has shown that this pattern of behavior can cause children to have social impairments that negatively impact their quality of life as adults. But until now, no study has…

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