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The importance of a step-parent in a child’s life

Over the past four months since my husband’s death, I have had several conversations with people who commented on his relationship with the sons I had from my first marriage.  My husband and I married when my children were 8 and 5.  The boys’ biological father had abandoned them when they were very young.  I think I decided to marry my husband after seeing what an incredible father-figure he was to my sons, even while we were dating.  One of the boys even told me to hurry up and marry my husband, so he could call him Dad.

And what a Dad he was.  He was the only father they knew as they grew up to become fine young men, with children of their own.  He was there for them every step of the way.  He was their best supporter, their mentor, their friend.  I couldn’t have asked for a better man to help me raise these children.

It is especially heart-warming, and definitely helps as the family goes through the grieving process, to hear people comment on the obvious love that was shared between my husband and our sons.  And yes, I call them our sons because they never considered themselves step-sons.  They were sons, pure and simple.

It’s wonderful to hear comments shared by family and friends, who have been part of our lives for so many years, about how apparent it was that our sons dearly loved their father, and how he reciprocated those feelings.  And now, as the boys go through the rest of their lives, they take with them the gifts he left them with:  the gift of being their father, the gift of a marvelous childhood, the gift of love, the gift of years of happy memories.

So, to those of you who are part of a blended family, I urge you to cherish the relationship between child and step-parent.  Years from now, you may be glad you did.

How Sabotaging Stepmoms Hurts Your Children

You expected mothering to be a solo job. You and your husband raising your kids together, with no one to interfere—okay, except the media and public education. You anticipated tender, private moments with your children.

So much for that. Along came divorce. Worse still, your husband remarried.

You didn’t sign up to share motherhood with another woman. Your dream of privacy and exclusivity with your children is shattered. Your profound sense of loss gives way to anger and frustration. As if that wasn’t bad enough, your kids like or even love her, making it more uncomfortable still.

Sabotage: Finding Your Motivation

That dream’s loss may have been sour, but these special cases can make it that much harder to accept your children’s positive relationship with their step-mom:

• As your husband’s lover, she was the wedge that split the marriage.
• She’s younger, aggravatingly attractive, and is easier for your kids to relate to.
• She’s less worldly, leaving you insecure about the “life experience” and maturity level that backs advice she gives to your children.
• She comes from a different background, and is exposing your kids to different religious or cultural values.

Either way, it’s unnerving watching your children spend more time with a competing mother figure than you. You feel inadequate, your judgment clouds, and you make knee-jerk reactions in protection of your cubs. You catch yourself making unkind remarks about your children’s stepmother and demanding your children’s unwavering loyalty.

You’re just making life hard for her, right? Wrong.

Surefire Ways to Damage Your Child

Information Warfare

1. You treat your child like a mole by grilling him about every detail of what went on in the other house. It’s boring and annoying having to do seemingly insignificant reconnaissance work for a neurotic parent.
2. You censor your kid’s ability to relay what went on at your house. Being unable to talk freely makes your child uncomfortable and unsafe.

Deny Your Child Permission to Like His Step-mom.

1. You deny your child permission to be himself. You rob your kid of free will, which can make him feel unimportant and depressed.
2. You force your child to focus on your needs instead of his own. Your child feels less safe and taken care of. Emotional energy towards fulfilling your demands is divested from your child’s ability to relax and be himself. Your child is left uptight and guarded, which can lead to anxiety problems.
3. Engaging in the role reversal in which your child has to take care of his mother instead of the other way around can also set the stage for your child to become an enabler for people with other problems, down the line.
4. You discourage your child from being in touch with his feelings, which can foment resentment, anger, and depression.

Forbid Your Child From Cooperating with His Step-mom.

1. Your child’s stepmother and father will become upset with him. Your child is causing problems on your orders, not of their own volition, and now has to take the heat for it. This leads to anxiety.
2. This negative attention often comes with punishment, which will additionally leave your child frustrated and isolated.
3. Your child won’t feel like the part of the family when at your ex’s house. It’ll impact his self-esteem. It’ll also damage his sense of belonging (a fundamental need) which, when missing, leaves a void that people try to fill with things like addictions and cults.

How You Hurt Yourself

Undermining your child’s positive relationship with his or her stepmom* also backfires. He will be angry at and resent you for not trusting his judgment and decision to like his stepmom.

*This assumes absence of any major indicators of abuse.

How You Can Fix Things

Empower yourself with a positive and a proactive attitude by taking these practical steps:

• Have a heart-to-heart talk with yourself. Write it all down and get in touch with the buried stuff that you’ve yet to examine.
• Evaluate your concerns about the stepmother as objectively as possible.
• Grant your children emotional permission to like her if she is indeed nice to them.
• Give them permission to have their feelings independent of yours.
• Listen attentively to your children. It’ll deepen your relationship.
• Give your children your undivided attention when you are with them.
• Get therapy if you still need help processing your losses or establishing boundaries.
• Reach out to your support system, like friends and family, or join a support group.

Closing Thoughts

Let go. Your old dream of a private, exclusive family life chains you to the past. Releasing it lets you create a new, happy, and healthy vision for yourself and your children.

Most stepmothers won’t come between you and your kids half as much as your fear will.

[www.remarriedwithchildren.org]

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Do Something Now!

When we reached 10,000 views — which passed by so quickly we didn’t even get a chance to comment on the milestone — we wanted to write and let you all know how much we hope this blog in some small way, shape or form helps those out there dealing with parental alienation, grandparents who are victims of “grandparent” alienation or step-parents who find themselves in difficult situations.

We’ve been through it all …….

We’re still amazed by the lengths our alienating parent will go to in order to assure the parent / child relationship between her children and her former spouse remains at an end.  In our particular case, the alienating parent was successful.  She “won.”  Being the narcissist that she is, that should make her feel good.  She’s superior as a parent and a grandparent.

But we can’t help thinking about the children and grandchildren.

How much better off would they be today if they had had a relationship with their father and grandfather?  He’s a kind, loving man.  But, unfortunately, he made a bad decision, when he chose to have children with one particular person.  He regrets that decision, only because of the harm it has caused those children.  And now we have grandchildren, who are being raised in the same environment and being taught to hate at such a young age.

Our only hope is that our story will help others.  You’re not alone.  Parental alienation and difficulties with step-parenting are a much-too-common occurrence in today’s society.

Our targeted parent may no longer have a relationship with his children and grandchildren, but he can feel proud that he is trying to make a difference, trying to help others in the same situation, who might learn from his choices.

He has chosen to share the story of his Journey Through Parental Alienation with the hope that it might make a difference to someone else.  Whether it simply be the fact that you are not going through this alone, or whether someone can learn from the difficult lesson that he learned:  Don’t wait until your children are adults because, by that point, it may be too late.   Do Something Now!

Our targeted parent wants to take his Journey Through Parental Alienation and make it in to a book for his children and grandchildren to have after he is gone.

Maybe then, they’ll realize exactly what happened …… and what they missed out on?

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How Sabotaging Stepmoms Hurts Your Children

You expected mothering to be a solo job. You and your husband raising your kids together, with no one to interfere—okay, except the media and public education. You anticipated tender, private moments with your children.

So much for that. Along came divorce. Worse still, your husband remarried.

You didn’t sign up to share motherhood with another woman. Your dream of privacy and exclusivity with your children is shattered. Your profound sense of loss gives way to anger and frustration. As if that wasn’t bad enough, your kids like or even love her, making it more uncomfortable still.

Sabotage: Finding Your Motivation

That dream’s loss may have been sour, but these special cases can make it that much harder to accept your children’s positive relationship with their step-mom:

• As your husband’s lover, she was the wedge that split the marriage.
• She’s younger, aggravatingly attractive, and is easier for your kids to relate to.
• She’s less worldly, leaving you insecure about the “life experience” and maturity level that backs advice she gives to your children.
• She comes from a different background, and is exposing your kids to different religious or cultural values.

Either way, it’s unnerving watching your children spend more time with a competing mother figure than you. You feel inadequate, your judgment clouds, and you make knee-jerk reactions in protection of your cubs. You catch yourself making unkind remarks about your children’s stepmother and demanding your children’s unwavering loyalty.

You’re just making life hard for her, right? Wrong.

Surefire Ways to Damage Your Child

Information Warfare

1. You treat your child like a mole by grilling him about every detail of what went on in the other house. It’s boring and annoying having to do seemingly insignificant reconnaissance work for a neurotic parent.
2. You censor your kid’s ability to relay what went on at your house. Being unable to talk freely makes your child uncomfortable and unsafe.

Deny Your Child Permission to Like His Step-mom.

1. You deny your child permission to be himself. You rob your kid of free will, which can make him feel unimportant and depressed.
2. You force your child to focus on your needs instead of his own. Your child feels less safe and taken care of. Emotional energy towards fulfilling your demands is divested from your child’s ability to relax and be himself. Your child is left uptight and guarded, which can lead to anxiety problems.
3. Engaging in the role reversal in which your child has to take care of his mother instead of the other way around can also set the stage for your child to become an enabler for people with other problems, down the line.
4. You discourage your child from being in touch with his feelings, which can foment resentment, anger, and depression.

Forbid Your Child From Cooperating with His Step-mom.

1. Your child’s stepmother and father will become upset with him. Your child is causing problems on your orders, not of their own volition, and now has to take the heat for it. This leads to anxiety.
2. This negative attention often comes with punishment, which will additionally leave your child frustrated and isolated.
3. Your child won’t feel like the part of the family when at your ex’s house. It’ll impact his self-esteem. It’ll also damage his sense of belonging (a fundamental need) which, when missing, leaves a void that people try to fill with things like addictions and cults.

How You Hurt Yourself

Undermining your child’s positive relationship with his or her stepmom* also backfires. He will be angry at and resent you for not trusting his judgment and decision to like his stepmom.

*This assumes absence of any major indicators of abuse.

How You Can Fix Things

Empower yourself with a positive and a proactive attitude by taking these practical steps:

• Have a heart-to-heart talk with yourself. Write it all down and get in touch with the buried stuff that you’ve yet to examine.
• Evaluate your concerns about the stepmother as objectively as possible.
• Grant your children emotional permission to like her if she is indeed nice to them.
• Give them permission to have their feelings independent of yours.
• Listen attentively to your children. It’ll deepen your relationship.
• Give your children your undivided attention when you are with them.
• Get therapy if you still need help processing your losses or establishing boundaries.
• Reach out to your support system, like friends and family, or join a support group.

Closing Thoughts

Let go. Your old dream of a private, exclusive family life chains you to the past. Releasing it lets you create a new, happy, and healthy vision for yourself and your children.

Most stepmothers won’t come between you and your kids half as much as your fear will.

[Source:  http://www.remarriedwithchildren.org/ ]

Raising Children in Blended Families

As a continuation of yesterday’s post, we also wanted to point out this book’s very insightful portion on blended families:

The healthy bonding of the relationship between stepdaughter and stepmother was most likely delayed because of the biological mother’s unwillingness to accept the stepmother’s involvement in the stepchildren’s lives.

“A biological parent who is unwilling to accept the new spouse of her or her ex initiates a lifestyle of divided loyalties for their children.  Youngsters caught between biological parents and stepparents are expected to be compliant — to fall in line with the values held, good or bad, by the parent who is most “powerful” in their lives.”

As always, my question is this:  why would any parent want to put their child through that?

I’ve been stepparent to my husband’s children over 31 years.  I’ve always felt I had a good relationship with the girls …. who are now grown women.  I am not their parent.  They already have two of those and certainly don’t need another one.   I feel I am their friend — or I would be, if their mother allowed it.  Thirty-one years, and she still cannot accept me as part of her children’s lives?  Of course, this is the same person who has done everything in her power — and continues to this day to do everything in her power — to keep her children from having a relationship with their own father.  So I suppose her behavior toward me is no surprise.

I follow a lot of blogs here written by people going through the same things I went through oh so many years ago.  In our particular case, we know why our alienating parent behaves the way she does.  It’s a personal tragedy that I won’t go in to at this point.  Knowing the reason behind her behavior doesn’t make it any easier to accept, although it does offer us some solace in knowing the reason why.

To every parent fighting to be part of their child’s life, and every stepparent dealing with their husband or wife’s bitter ex, I would say:  fight the best fight you can.  Do everything you can to combat the harm being done to the children by their other parent.  Do it for the children, because the only other parent they have does not love and care enough about those children to put their own feelings of hate and anger aside for the child’s well being.

Do everything that you possibly can ….. but in the end, if it isn’t enough, go ahead and live your life, knowing you did the best you could.

If anyone would like to read further on this subject, I would highly recommend “Raising Children in Blended Families” by Maxine Marolini.

Check your ego at the door (beyond Mom and Stepmom hate)

“My little boy clutched his Valentine’s Day cards in his dimpled hands and beamed with excitement. Jill, my son’s stepmom, had made them. I forced a smile as my heart exploded with disappointment (along with jealousy and a dash of insult). This was the same feeling that caught my breath when I saw my son wearing a new haircut or clothes she bought. My immediate reaction wasn’t the gratitude I feel today. Back then, when sharing a mothering role was new, my possessiveness over my son was paralyzing.

Connor was MY child. How could she do this to ME? What was she trying to PROVE?

Divorce ushers in a loss of control over many things, especially our children.

I took a deep breath (one of many).

I had to admit anger was a secondary emotion masking my fear of being replaced, of my inadequacy as a mother, of Connor loving Jill more than me, of my jealousy that she did things with (and for) my son that I wanted to do. I was also acutely aware unchecked emotion often leads to vicious behavior between moms and stepmoms. Did I really want to go down that path? Hating is easy, especially when it’s condoned by society.

I almost fell for it.

As a mother, I was expected to make derisive comments about my son’s stepmom, even in front of my child. I was allowed to ridicule and insult. I was permitted to drive a wedge between Jill and my child because it was acceptable when disguised as being “protective.” My fragile emotion made me susceptible to embarrassing, immature, regrettable behavior.

We’ve all heard of moms who lie about their children’s sporting event and party locations and times, manipulate drop-offs, change plans unexpectedly and make unreasonable requests of ex-husbands just to be vindictive. I’ve heard moms tell daughters they aren’t allowed to wear gifts from their stepmoms. Sadly, the list goes on. Meanwhile, children are forced to witness egregious behavior while struggling to make sense of adult problems. I realized my child wouldn’t understand why his mom and stepmom fought — he’d just think it was his fault.

My son.

My little boy’s well being stopped my insecurity in its tracks. I didn’t want Connor to suffer and refused to confuse him by encouraging hatred for a woman who loved him. I refused to be selfish, cruel and bitter because it’s just not how I’m wired. And I began to wonder, what if? What if society considered nastiness between moms and stepmoms abhorrent? What if moms and stepmoms who chose to hate were shunned for creating hostile environments for children caught in the middle? What if the societal pressure was that we get along? What if I chose to be tolerant, patient and accepting of Jill? And what if Jill met me halfway?

Like so many of you, even if I had the best intentions, Jill could thwart my greatest efforts. She could detest me, the ex-wife, which would also be expected and condoned. And if we both chose hate, we’d be caught in that stereotypical relationship perpetuated by millions of combative women whose worlds collide because of a child.

While I checked my ego at the door, Jill chose kindness.

This hasn’t always been my experience.

In addition to being a mother, I am a stepmother. The path Jill and I chose was harshly juxtaposed against the insufferable path my stepdaughter’s mother preferred (where the rainbows, unicorns and sunshine ended). The real victim is my stepchild who is poisoned by a hate that doesn’t even belong to her. Hatred is so strong, even if it’s one-sided, it can win. It infects children’s hearts, minds and worldview.

Is this what mothers really want for their children?

All mothers and stepmothers have a choice.

I chose to remove ego from my situation. I chose to temper my protective instincts, loss of control, jealousy and insecurity. I had them (oh, did I have them.) But I realized there was no danger to my son being loved and mothered by another woman. The only danger was to my own self-esteem and fragile ego. Jill’s love for my child, and the way she showed it, had absolutely nothing to do with me.

Instead of characterizing Jill’s mothering as an affront to me, I was relieved Connor had more love in his life. Instead of surrendering to jealousy when Jill did things for him or with him, I was grateful I had help in raising my son (and from a woman who loved him like her own).

We often hear mothers say they’d die for their children, that they would take a bullet. I know I would. Yet, if we’re so willing to make the ultimate sacrifice of our lives for our kids, why can’t we sacrifice our egos for them?

Some say my friendship with Jill is too “idyllic,” “impossible,” or not “the truth” when it comes to co-parenting. I assure you, it is our truth. Of course, it hasn’t always been easy. As with any family relationship where disagreements are inevitable, we’ve committed to respectfully communicating, forgiving, accepting different points of view, apologizing, adapting, compromising and moving on. We’ve been co-parenting for well over a decade. It’s my hope more women will be inspired to consider a different path, one where kindness is chosen and ego is sacrificed. You can create peace for yourself, and more importantly, your children.”

By Shelley Wetton

[Source:  huffingtonpost.com/shelley-wetton ]

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How to Cope With a Difficult Ex-Spouse

We found this insightful article on stepparentingwithgrace.com and thought we would share it:

I’m addressing a question today I received from a reader. How do you cope as a stepmom when you’re dealing with a biological mom who is belittling to you and doesn’t want you in her children’s lives?

The stepmom role becomes harder when the bio mom makes every effort to exclude you from her children’s lives and unfortunately, it’s not uncommon, particularly in the beginning. It helps to understand that at the root of this issue lies the fear that the bio mom feels the children are going to bond with the you – the stepmom, and form a deeper relationship with you than they have with her.

It’s an unfounded fear because children almost always have a stronger relationship with their biological parents than they have with a stepparent, but she is reacting out of her own fear and communicating to her children that she wants their loyalty. Women are territorial when it comes to their children. If you have children of your own, you understand these feelings, but it doesn’t give the bio mom the right to act belittling or antagonistic  toward the stepmom.

To help alleviate the threat the bio mom is sensing, the stepmom needs to send a message that she has no intention of interfering with the relationship between the bio mom and her children and isn’t trying to replace her in any way. In their book, The Smart Stepmom, Laura Petherbridge and Ron Deal give an example of how to communicate this message which they call “The No-Threat Message.” They suggest doing it in person or via e-mail if the relationship is already strained.

“Dear Meghan, since we are both involved with your kids, I wanted to take a minute to communicate with you. I want to share that I totally understand and respect that you are the only mother of these children. I’m not their mom, and I will never try to take your place. They are your children. I am honored to be an added parent figure in their lives. I view my role as one of support to their father, and my desire is to be a blessing to them. I promise to speak well of you and work together for their benefit. I desire to make their lives easier, not more difficult. Please know that I pray for the entire family. If there’s anything I can do to help the situation or if you have any questions, feel free to contact me.”

Sending the no-threat message doesn’t guarantee the bio mom will accept your position in her children’s lives but it offers her some perspective on how you feel about your role. She is more likely to allow a relationship between you and her children if she doesn’t feel threatened by your behavior and sees you live out the No-threat message.

Unfortunately, some bio moms are mean-spirited and vindictive. In this case, there’s not a lot the stepmom can do to have an amicable relationship. For further insight, I suggest reading the chapter from The Smart Stepmom, “Meet Your Ex-Wife-in-Law: Friend or Foe.” It gives additional scenarios of how to cope with a difficult ex-spouse.

Forging a Relationship with your Child’s New Stepparent

So you’ve already endured the perils of divorce. If you have a child with your ex-spouse you have likely gone through challenges of getting your kid used to this new routine, which is so different from what it used to be. But when wedding bells are once again on the horizon for your ex, you are faced with yet another obstacle – getting along with their new fiancee or spouse for the sake of your child.

Catching wind of the news of your ex’s engagement can stimulate mixed emotions – usually feelings of anger, sadness, pain and an array of insecurities. While no one will expect you and the man or woman who has replaced you as your former spouse’s new flame to be best buds, creating a blended family free of animosity can be the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family.

1. Be Courteous and Appreciative

It’s like some wide-eyed, inexperienced kid is applying for the role of executive vice president of your family. It’s natural for biological parents to feel threatened, afraid and unwilling to accept that the ex’s new spouse will play an integral role in your child’s upbringing. Imagining a stepfather playing catch with your little boy, or a new stepmother braiding your daughter’s hair can make you sick to your stomach, but let’s face it – it is going to happen whether you like it or not. Sooner acceptance will only ease the process. It will be difficult at first, but do your best to see the good in your child’s new stepparent. You aren’t the only one who is going through a challenging transition – their new role as a stepparent will be arduous, and earning your trust and the respect of your child can prove to be almost impossible.

2. Remain Communicative

A good man or woman in your child’s other home can be your best ally, not your arch enemy. You all (hopefully) have your child’s best interests at heart, and this transition won’t be easy for anyone – the new stepparent included. Expressing appreciation for their new role can mark the beginning to a healthy and positive relationship. Heck, it’s even likely that the new stepparent will be able to see eye-to-eye with you more than your ex-spouse and will be more interested in including you in family decisions. There was no messy breakup between the two of you, so why not take this as an opportunity to use your relationship to your advantage.

3. Stay Out of Their Marriage

Oh, how tempting it can be to give in to gossip after your child comes home from school to tell you about your ex’s ridiculous argument with their new spouse. Doing this will have zero positive impact on anyone. Bad mouthing your child’s stepparent will likely make your kid feel as though he or she can do the same, or to take sides and stunt any relationship they could have had. Later on, when your kid grows up, your child will grow to resent you for everything you said to negatively impact their relationships. You are the parent, and are therefore responsible for encouraging support and happiness in your child’s life regardless of how challenging it may be for you to put your emotions on the back burner.

If you think that some aspect of your ex’s marriage is destructive to your child’s life, and you are purely concerned with the well-being of your child, speak with your spouse and/or the stepparent privately instead of judging them based on what you have heard from another party and talking behind their backs.

[Source:  divorcehelp360.com ]

“Make it about your kids …. not your ego”

After the many years of turmoil in our own situation, it was refreshing to see a father recognize the importance of his daughter’s step-father — on her wedding day.

Father’s Wedding Gesture to Stepfather Tugs at a Million Hearts

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