Dealing with a High Conflict Ex-Wife in Five Easy Steps

I wish I would have found this article thirty-five years ago.  It might have helped my husband and I, dealing with his obsessive ex-wife.

Yes, you heard me right:   I said thirty-five years ago!

When we first moved in together, the phones calls started.  This was in the days before texts and caller i.d.  Just a couple of weeks after we moved in to our new home and got a new telephone number, we had to have it changed because my husband’s ex-wife was relentless in telephoning him.

And that relentless behavior continued until the day he died — forty years after their divorce.  If it wasn’t telephone calls, then it was letters — via mail, as well as hand-delivered by the children while they were visiting their father.  Then, when the digital age came, it was stalking via the internet.  If we were on a website, or had an interest in something, the obsessive ex-wife was right there — making her presence known to the world.

My husband is gone now, but the bizarre behavior continues:  sponsoring his memorial on Find A Grave, visiting his grave on our 34th wedding anniversary, sending emails to people I am in contact with — making sure they know she is his ex-wife.  The family is concerned she’ll go so far as to buy the niche next to his, so that — when her time comes — she can be buried there and spend eternity next to a man she was only married to for a few years, and has been divorced from for decades.

You scoff and say “No one could be THAT crazy!?!”  Well, after you’ve lived the life my husband and I lived for thirty-five years, nothing would surprise you.

 

If you or someone you know is dealing with a high conflict ex-wife, be sure and read this article!

Dealing with a High Conflict Ex-Wife in Five Easy Steps

Raising Children in Blended Families

As a continuation of yesterday’s post, we also wanted to point out this book’s very insightful portion on blended families:

The healthy bonding of the relationship between stepdaughter and stepmother was most likely delayed because of the biological mother’s unwillingness to accept the stepmother’s involvement in the stepchildren’s lives.

“A biological parent who is unwilling to accept the new spouse of her or her ex initiates a lifestyle of divided loyalties for their children.  Youngsters caught between biological parents and stepparents are expected to be compliant — to fall in line with the values held, good or bad, by the parent who is most “powerful” in their lives.”

As always, my question is this:  why would any parent want to put their child through that?

I’ve been stepparent to my husband’s children over 31 years.  I’ve always felt I had a good relationship with the girls …. who are now grown women.  I am not their parent.  They already have two of those and certainly don’t need another one.   I feel I am their friend — or I would be, if their mother allowed it.  Thirty-one years, and she still cannot accept me as part of her children’s lives?  Of course, this is the same person who has done everything in her power — and continues to this day to do everything in her power — to keep her children from having a relationship with their own father.  So I suppose her behavior toward me is no surprise.

I follow a lot of blogs here written by people going through the same things I went through oh so many years ago.  In our particular case, we know why our alienating parent behaves the way she does.  It’s a personal tragedy that I won’t go in to at this point.  Knowing the reason behind her behavior doesn’t make it any easier to accept, although it does offer us some solace in knowing the reason why.

To every parent fighting to be part of their child’s life, and every stepparent dealing with their husband or wife’s bitter ex, I would say:  fight the best fight you can.  Do everything you can to combat the harm being done to the children by their other parent.  Do it for the children, because the only other parent they have does not love and care enough about those children to put their own feelings of hate and anger aside for the child’s well being.

Do everything that you possibly can ….. but in the end, if it isn’t enough, go ahead and live your life, knowing you did the best you could.

If anyone would like to read further on this subject, I would highly recommend “Raising Children in Blended Families” by Maxine Marolini.

Raising Children with a Bitter Parent

We recently read the following excerpt from the book “Raising Children in Blended Families,” in the chapter entitled “The Consequences of a Bitter Parent:”

The biological mother in this particular situation was creating more emotional pain for her children.  When the children visited their father, they carried with them extra baggage — lots of guilt for leaving Mom home alone.  Anyone knows this is unfair to the children.

Unfortunately, we know all to well how this scenario can harm the children — from first hand experience.  We’ll never forget my husband’s 7 and 9 year old daughters telling us how their mother behaved after they spent Christmas with us:  crying hysterically and asking them why they didn’t want to spend the holiday with her.  There was a court order in place; it was the father’s turn for Christmas visitation; yet the mother made her children feel guilty about spending that holiday with their father.

And that emotional baggage stayed with those children well into adulthood.   Even after they were adults, they told their father:  “We have to spend [insert various holidays:  Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc.] with Mom, because she’s home all alone.”

Can anyone honestly say this is not Child Abuse?

How to Cope With a Difficult Ex-Spouse

We found this insightful article on stepparentingwithgrace.com and thought we would share it:

I’m addressing a question today I received from a reader. How do you cope as a stepmom when you’re dealing with a biological mom who is belittling to you and doesn’t want you in her children’s lives?

The stepmom role becomes harder when the bio mom makes every effort to exclude you from her children’s lives and unfortunately, it’s not uncommon, particularly in the beginning. It helps to understand that at the root of this issue lies the fear that the bio mom feels the children are going to bond with the you – the stepmom, and form a deeper relationship with you than they have with her.

It’s an unfounded fear because children almost always have a stronger relationship with their biological parents than they have with a stepparent, but she is reacting out of her own fear and communicating to her children that she wants their loyalty. Women are territorial when it comes to their children. If you have children of your own, you understand these feelings, but it doesn’t give the bio mom the right to act belittling or antagonistic  toward the stepmom.

To help alleviate the threat the bio mom is sensing, the stepmom needs to send a message that she has no intention of interfering with the relationship between the bio mom and her children and isn’t trying to replace her in any way. In their book, The Smart Stepmom, Laura Petherbridge and Ron Deal give an example of how to communicate this message which they call “The No-Threat Message.” They suggest doing it in person or via e-mail if the relationship is already strained.

“Dear Meghan, since we are both involved with your kids, I wanted to take a minute to communicate with you. I want to share that I totally understand and respect that you are the only mother of these children. I’m not their mom, and I will never try to take your place. They are your children. I am honored to be an added parent figure in their lives. I view my role as one of support to their father, and my desire is to be a blessing to them. I promise to speak well of you and work together for their benefit. I desire to make their lives easier, not more difficult. Please know that I pray for the entire family. If there’s anything I can do to help the situation or if you have any questions, feel free to contact me.”

Sending the no-threat message doesn’t guarantee the bio mom will accept your position in her children’s lives but it offers her some perspective on how you feel about your role. She is more likely to allow a relationship between you and her children if she doesn’t feel threatened by your behavior and sees you live out the No-threat message.

Unfortunately, some bio moms are mean-spirited and vindictive. In this case, there’s not a lot the stepmom can do to have an amicable relationship. For further insight, I suggest reading the chapter from The Smart Stepmom, “Meet Your Ex-Wife-in-Law: Friend or Foe.” It gives additional scenarios of how to cope with a difficult ex-spouse.

Forging a Relationship with your Child’s New Stepparent

So you’ve already endured the perils of divorce. If you have a child with your ex-spouse you have likely gone through challenges of getting your kid used to this new routine, which is so different from what it used to be. But when wedding bells are once again on the horizon for your ex, you are faced with yet another obstacle – getting along with their new fiancee or spouse for the sake of your child.

Catching wind of the news of your ex’s engagement can stimulate mixed emotions – usually feelings of anger, sadness, pain and an array of insecurities. While no one will expect you and the man or woman who has replaced you as your former spouse’s new flame to be best buds, creating a blended family free of animosity can be the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family.

1. Be Courteous and Appreciative

It’s like some wide-eyed, inexperienced kid is applying for the role of executive vice president of your family. It’s natural for biological parents to feel threatened, afraid and unwilling to accept that the ex’s new spouse will play an integral role in your child’s upbringing. Imagining a stepfather playing catch with your little boy, or a new stepmother braiding your daughter’s hair can make you sick to your stomach, but let’s face it – it is going to happen whether you like it or not. Sooner acceptance will only ease the process. It will be difficult at first, but do your best to see the good in your child’s new stepparent. You aren’t the only one who is going through a challenging transition – their new role as a stepparent will be arduous, and earning your trust and the respect of your child can prove to be almost impossible.

2. Remain Communicative

A good man or woman in your child’s other home can be your best ally, not your arch enemy. You all (hopefully) have your child’s best interests at heart, and this transition won’t be easy for anyone – the new stepparent included. Expressing appreciation for their new role can mark the beginning to a healthy and positive relationship. Heck, it’s even likely that the new stepparent will be able to see eye-to-eye with you more than your ex-spouse and will be more interested in including you in family decisions. There was no messy breakup between the two of you, so why not take this as an opportunity to use your relationship to your advantage.

3. Stay Out of Their Marriage

Oh, how tempting it can be to give in to gossip after your child comes home from school to tell you about your ex’s ridiculous argument with their new spouse. Doing this will have zero positive impact on anyone. Bad mouthing your child’s stepparent will likely make your kid feel as though he or she can do the same, or to take sides and stunt any relationship they could have had. Later on, when your kid grows up, your child will grow to resent you for everything you said to negatively impact their relationships. You are the parent, and are therefore responsible for encouraging support and happiness in your child’s life regardless of how challenging it may be for you to put your emotions on the back burner.

If you think that some aspect of your ex’s marriage is destructive to your child’s life, and you are purely concerned with the well-being of your child, speak with your spouse and/or the stepparent privately instead of judging them based on what you have heard from another party and talking behind their backs.

[Source:  divorcehelp360.com ]

How To Spot Sociopath Women

Reading this blog was like reading a history of our alienating parent’s behavior.

Custody Struggles

How To Spot Sociopath Women

” The sociopath acts to protect and sustain an inflated, but ultimately fragile and unstable sense of self.”

http://welldoing.org/how-to-spot-sociopath-women/

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Love this …. because it’s so true!

Thank you Totally Jessifiable!

New Spouses Aren’t Exempt From The High-Conflict Personality

I’m sharing a post from “Keep Your Head Without Losing Your Mind” because it struck so many chords with me, coming into a marriage five years after a high conflict divorce …. and continuing to deal with my husband’s ex and her high-conflict behavior thirty years later. Here is the post: “Weddings are seen as a new beginning.  Re-marriages start with the same hope.  But when a new spouse comes into the aftermath of a high conflict divorce, they face difficulties that other new spouses do not.  The divorce decree isn’t the end for a high conflict couple.  In most divorces, the couple’s anger dissipates over the first few years after the decree.  For an HC couple, the high conflict personality cannot let go.  they continue to attack the target (now ex) spouse. So the new spouse comes into a war zone.  They see their new partner in pain, and want to help.  But there are no guidelines in this relationship.  The HCP will likely strike out at the new spouse, too.  And now drawn into the hostilities.  What are ways to be supportive without raising emotions even higher?

• Do not bash the HCP ex with your new husband/wife or in front of his children.
• That said, make sure you have a friend or therapist you can talk to.  You will need to unload your anger, fear, frustration in a safe space.  Where you can say what you need without editing yourself.
• Be confident in your relationship and your parenting skills.  Do not let the HCP drag you down with their allegations.
• Likewise, do not get drawn into the fight, as long as the HCP has not placed you directly in the legal battle.
• Court battles can be expensive.  Work together to create a budget.  It’s very common to end up deeply in debt with legal fights, you do not want to add bankruptcy to the challenges of a new marriage.
• Be understanding when the children act out.  They feel the stress too and may not have any outlet for their emotions.  Talk with your spouse about appropriate discipline to make sure that you are not seen as too involved.  However, it is also important for the children to understand there are boundaries.
• Take time for you and your new husband/wife to have private time.  Your relationship needs nurturing, especially in the early years.
• Set aside “legal free” time.  During these days or weekends, do not talk about any legal matters, do not talk about the ex-spouse.  Enjoy your life.
• Say I love you, a lot.

Remember, the fight won’t be forever.  When it ends, celebrate and enjoy your new family.

Teaching a child to hate ….

“Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child.  It has to be taught.  A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.”

~~ The Honourable Justice John Gomery of Canada

And the “connection” continues ……

It’s been busy, busy, busy around here, but I had to take a moment and share this e-mail we received from one of our alienating parent’s own family:

 

This e-mail stems from comments our alienating parent posts on genealogy websites — of course, because that’s where her personal comments, thoughts and observations belong, right?  🙂

Our alienating parent claims we started this blog for the sole purpose of bashing her family — even though there is nothing about any of her family on here.  This blog was created to share our personal experience, in attempting to maintain a relationship with my husband’s children after a bitter divorce.  It has nothing to do with our alienating parent’s family — it has to do with our alienating parent and her behavior over the past  36 years, which resulted in a complete disintegration of the father / child relationship.

Funny how her own family can clearly see that our alienating parent and her behavior is the reason behind this blog, as well as other public records which have been posted on the internet.  Wonder why she can’t see it for herself ……   Or maybe she does, but just can’t accept responsibility?

Children Are Not Weapons

Children who have a close, loving relationship with their father throughout their lives do better than those who do not. That is a well known, documented fact.

What then, prompts a mother — who claims to love her children unequivocally — to use those children as a weapon to hurt her ex? What type of loving, caring mother thinks more about what she is feeling (anger, hurt, hate) than what is best for her children?

And what is being done in today’s society to protect those children from their own parent? Child abuse is child abuse — whether it be physical or emotional.

Sometimes “Mom knows best” just isn’t true …… and sadly, it’s the children who suffer.

Can I Get Some Punctuation Please? (Part 1)

Came across this blog and had to share:

Can I Get Some Punctuation Please? (Part 1).

The Psycho Ex-Wife

“THE PSYCHO EX WIFE

Mister-M was scared but fed up. His eight-year marriage had ended and the divorce settlement outlined how he and his ex-wife would care for their two children. Still, she wouldn’t relent with her e-mails, text messages and phone calls, he says. She demanded that their children stay with her on holidays they were supposed to be with him. She insisted that they be dropped off at certain time, even though he was entitled to have them stay with him longer.

He has endured more than 30 court appearances in the past four years and has paid $80,000 to $100,000 in legal fees to contest her accusations of child abuse and violations of their divorce settlement. “As a person who suffered with these types of attacks on a regular basis over the course of more than 10 years, they tend to trigger anxiety and upset due to the horrible memories that we are unable to escape,” Mister-M says. “Each new e-mail and communication brings all of that history back into the present.”

So he turned to the Internet as an outlet for his frustration. He created the Web site, http://www.thepsychoexwife.com, where he writes about his issues with his ex-wife. Often, they’re protracted e-mails and text messages about everything from who is supposed to have the kids when to where the kids are supposed to be picked up. The exchanges over seemingly simple topics are rarely resolved easily.

Why does his ex-wife behave in such a way, even though they’ve been divorced for some time? “It’s all about control,” Mister-M says, adding that he believes his ex suffers from borderline personality disorder. “Their belief that they have been so horribly wronged by the ex-spouse tends to be so strong that this desire to stay involved or somehow control the ex exists, even if they have a new partner of their own. It doesn’t even matter if they’re the person who initiated the split.”

[Source: divorce360.com ]

Difficulties with Visitation

How many non-custodial parents have arrived at the home of their children, to pick them up for visitation, only to find they were not there?

It’s happened to us many times over the years. Of course, there was always a good explanation:

This was the note our targeted parent found taped to the door when he arrived to pick his children up for visitation. The alienating parent “tryed” to reach the targeted parent through his mother?

This was just one of the many notes our targeted parent found when he arrived for visitation with his children.

And who were the pawns in this game? The children.

Bitter Ex-Wife?

Reminiscing about my mother-in-law’s observations and concerns about our alienating parent’s behavior brought up some very interesting theories, one of which — obviously — is about bitterness from an ex-wife. Which is not unusual:

“Simply put: The most religious, spiritual, conscious women have been known to act a plumb fool, or other than themselves, when a new woman is introduced to her children.”

The Court docket from our alienating parent’s divorce proceeding(s) will bear that out. From the time of their divorce in 1978 until my husband and I moved in together and started planning our wedding in 1983, there were no actions brought in their Court proceeding — other than the original divorce. From 1983 until the last child became emancipated in 1995, there were one, two or sometimes three separate actions each year!

“The bitter ex-wife shows signs of jealousy. She constantly has the need to always be in control. She feels it’s her job to run the other woman’s household. She will use children as pawns in her quest to conquer and divide. She sends subtle messages to the children, inciting rebellion against their other mother. This type of woman is always angry. She gives you a million reasons, none that she can explain and probably have nothing to do with the new wife, why she doesn’t like the new woman in her ex-husband’s life.
This has nothing to do with the new wife, it has everything to do with the former’s own insecurities, guilt, bitterness or shame for the dissolution of the marriage.
When women try to control someone else’s household, or run their life, it’s like trying to stop a wind-swept blaze but you are the one who’s starting the fire. It’s virtually impossible to do, leaving the controlling woman left trying to clean up emotional debris. You have broken the affinity between everyone in the blended family, and all is left is a pile of rubble where a foundation was being built.”

My mother-in-law was the first person who ever came to us with her feeling that our alienating parent was jealous, but unfortunately, she hasn’t been the last.

Another tidbit we found about ex-wives deals with Bitter Ex Wife Pattern:
“Is she domineering, hard-nosed, malicious and controlling?
Does she….
Always dictate what happens with the children?
Make all communication as awkward as possible?
Complicate arrangements when a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ would suffice?
Think she can interfere in your life?
Still punish him for moving on with his life?
Waste Police and Court time with her lies and petty made up stories about her being the Victim?
Thousands of Second wives/partners can identify the very familiar controlling and domineering bad behavior of their husband’s ex-wife. We have discovered there is a predictable pattern and a very common theme to their behavior and have called it the Bitter Ex-wife Pattern.”

Whew, that one could have been written about our relationship with our alienating parent!

And, time and time again, these women will explain their behavior by: I’m doing it for my children. When, in actuality, their behavior is detrimental to their children, by making a close, loving relationship between the child / children and their father virtually impossible.